lazy

feeling damn lazy and lethargic.

wanted to go run and/or recap a bit on my 'o' level maths (yes, o lvl. cos i realised i am really quite rusty while i am giving tuition. itz really quite sickening having to try derive everything from scratch. time-consuming and it doesn't really reflect too well to the students either).

and you've guessed it. i did none. i din even feel like reading thru the FYP list.

then i tried to download new mp3s from feelroom.net, but somehow the connection is quite cranky. blardee hell.

been getting quite comtemplative these few days. my life has sort of coming down to a standstill. juz read many blogs and came across some stuffs. one of my friends is trying to mentally prepare herself for the final year. somehow, she thinks that the final year is going to be tough, maybe cos of the FYP and the competition on the road to the first class honours. another friend of mine is talking about some people in the uni, probably NUS, are thinking they are "high class" people. as for my personal opinion, i disagree with the former and agree with the latter.

for the former, somehow, i dun really think the next year will be going to be very tough. yah, i've got 2 shitty year long project, SDP (system design project) and FYP. and the FYP is going to be a crucial factor in my first class honours "dream". but there are very few modules left we need to clear bah. i myself have only 22MCs left for the whole year, thatz all. and i foresee a very slack timetable next sem, with very simple modules (although 1 will be lvl 4000, the other 5000). with my experience, high level modules are most often pretty crappy.

as for the latter, i've asked this same person during reservist that "do you think is there any use in studying so much? when in fact, being a grad is probably earning less than the rest who din study much?" the reason why i asked this was because i am still comtemplating whether to take up a master degree offered by SMA-NUS. part of me wants to go because i get to spend half a year in MIT (since i missed SEP, but this time i can afford it myself cos i get paid for studying). part of me dun want to take it cos i noe i would like to get practical experience in the corporate world.

studying is really quite stupid. in fact, the experience of going thru a uni curriculum is pretty meaningless. it is nothing, but an attempt in securing a certificate. but with that, we will be left half fucked in the world. at least, at the start. either half-fucked, or the stick is entirely in. hardly the case you are the fucker. the whole span in nus only results in meaningless experience of acquiring useless knowledge with no practicality. on top of that, you lose the experience of real work actions, and other shit of life. my academic results might have been exceptional, but i dun really know what i can do out there. luckily, i think and believe i am not an entire nerdy cock, so i probably can survive after some adjustments. but i seriously dun see how someone who can only solve a fucking complicated fourier transform equation or crap, can survive. probably ostracised.

so why did i want the first class honours in the beginning? put it plainly, i dun actually really want it that strongly. i mean, i admit i worked very hard for it in my first few years, much to the surprise of my many friends in jc. there are many factors why i participated in this stupid rat race.

one of them is army. army put quite a strain on my life then. in fact, i still consider part of my army life as my darkest period. there was one period i really feel quite shitty, and i tot i felt into some sort of a depression, a mild one probably. luckily, a long block leave in that dec, plus the support given by a certain friend, helped pull me out. there are many reasons why i am so attached to consonance and my jc choir, and this is one of them. i digressed, but during army time, there are many downs (with a few ups). thatz why i was really looking forward to ord and go back study. with that desire to study, i wanted to do properly academically.

second, i did quite marvellous in my A lvls, considering the amount of effort spent. doing it once, makes one wants to do it twice. then trice. vicious cycle.

third, my brother did it before. he got a first class in comp science. not wanting to lose him, and to sometimes keep his mouth shut, i wanted to better him and myself. in the end, i think i bettered him academically (and yah, only academically. i think he is still smarter than me, in some aspects). it was quite a pride thing. haha... but the pride thing doesn't stop at wanting to better my brother.

fourth, i wanted to know what i am worth. i've never put much effort in studying before nus. so i wanted to know, whether if i am really able to achieve a first class, if i put in my effort. i knew it wasn't going to be easy. i oso wanted to show, and confirm, i am quite clever.

and so, i've got a CAP of 4.87, and only one B+ so far. but what have i achieved? nothing, if you asked me. at the end of the day, i've not convinced myself as being exceptional. okay, there are people "wowing" when they hear my results. many pple are calling me "shen" in school instead of my name (not that they meant it entirely, but i dun think they dun mean it entirely either). but am i really good? no. i think i am above average only. many pple asked me whether i will go for Ph.D, and when i say no cos i cannot make it, they simply shake it off. dunnoe why. so far, only one person, over rounds of beer, understands and agrees with me. to quote, he said "i can understand what you are telling me now. but if you say that to any of the other ISE people, they wun believe you at all one." hahaha... i think he hits the nail on the head, man.

in nus, i've seen some really decent and smart people. CAP lower, but calibre higher. my definition of calibre covers many aspects. pure intellect, observation skills, speaking skills, PR techniques etc etc. comparatively, i think i am okay, not too poor. neither am i very good. like i said, slightly above average. i think i am worth a first class honours, but i am not worth a CAP of 4.87, whatever that might mean. i dun like rat race, and i dun like to compete until like that. i am a competitive person, but i've never in my life drove myself this much. last time in jc, i oso dun think i lose to xuhong or zhengqian, but i din bother to work hard to better them. cos deep inside me, i am a blardee slacker.

i think i've tested and proved myself enuff already. whether in the end i get the first class is no longer important. a slack last sem did good to me. i've gotten out of the rat race (i think).

actually, i dunnoe why i wrote so much crap above. the thoughts are very incoherent too. jump here and there one. but i am juz typing away. like i said, i feel my life is on a standstill right now, so i juz felt like writing some stuffs. some recent events re-sparked some thoughts in me.

i need new goals in life. new drive. but lazy to find them.

comtemplative moments. many thoughts. incoherent ones. hong gan.