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i very bo liaoz

2008-03-17T23:32:00.000+08:00

2008-01-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

i think i am very talented in studying....

if not in studying, at least in taking exams...

2008-01-09T23:07:00.000+08:00

sometimes i feel it is a bit scary to part of a global project, and the level of involvement and ownership in the tasks.

still not sure whether is it me, or what. but definitely i dun find it an easy management.

these few days watching tv give me some thoughts.

get back to work.

what should my resolutions be?

2008-01-06T23:24:00.000+08:00

still thinking... have a couple already though

looking back at my past year resolutions, i achieved a few, and missed a few. as for the others, probably achieved 50% of them.

1) achieved. i got my first class honors.
2) did not achieve. i still quite unfocused. this is going to be part of this year's resolution.
3) 50%. ran a bit in the first half of the year, did not run anymore after a while. shit. this one too for this year.
4) 50%. i am reading newspaper... was consistently. now not really.
5) 50%. also did read more widely for a while... and never again.
6) achieved. i've not only found a job... i found a couple of them.
7) achieved. i travelled quite a bit last year.
8) 50%. i did not rejoin consonance 6 mths later... but made appearances. but now i guess i am back.
9) did not achieve. i guess i did not try out any new sport or activity.
10) 50%. did not actively keep in touch with many people, but did actively participate in outing if someone organises them. also did catch up with a few people online here and there sometimes... only sometimes.
11) 50%.
12) i shall not give myself marks for this.

this year... i guess my resolution should be something more... measurable.

end of 2007

2007-12-31T22:44:00.000+08:00

"If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider it wasted."

- Ally McBeal

it's that time of the year again - the last day of the year. when i was thinking of writing this post, i recalled the above quote mentioned on the last episode of the first season Ally McBeal, which i watched a very long time ago.

by virtue of that quote, i guess i can say my 2007 is not wasted bah.

2007 had been a year of great changes. 2007 had also been a year i moved around most. 2007 had been a year of achievements. or rather, a year whereby my achievements from many years of effort materialized. 2007 had also been a year whereby i was worst hit by morale and emotions. 2007 had been a year of many first times. 2007 had also been year whereby i hope some of these "first-time" will not have a second time.

1. a year where i travelled the most.

in this single year, i went to Genting in February, Redang in April, 广州，青岛，上海，成都 in May-July. At 成都 alone, other than the citystate, I've visited 峨眉山, 乐山大佛, 九寨沟，黄龙，青城山，and 都江堰. In July, I went to Phuket Thailand. In Dec, I made a short visit to Batam. At the end of 2006 Dec, I also went to Ipoh and Malacca. Projecting towards 2008, i doubt I will be able to visit so many places again. Well, actually maybe, yes. At least for one, I already know I will be visiting Europe in July. The first half of the year 2008, I'll probably have some time to make some visits to other places. Will see how.

2. a year where i lost a friend forever

this is definitely one of those first-times i hope will not repeat. i lost a close friend, forever. thinking back, i am still in a bit of shock recalling the moment i received the call. however, it happened means it happened. nothing we can do to turn back the clock. but it hurts to recall what he wrote on a christmas card for me on 2001.

3. a year where i gave my parents money

drawing my first 3k paycheck felt good. but it was no where close to how i felt when i drew money and gave them to my parents. it was no big amount. $400 was what i decided to give them, every month. but it felt good. i hope they felt as good receiving them as i felt giving them.

4. a year where i end 18 years of academic

i graduated from NUS. i got my first class honours. i achieved the goal which i set out for myself 4 years ago before, and after, leaving army. i said i will get it, and i got it, and more. i was the second highest CAP for my ISE cohort, and was chosen to be one of the valedictorians. i got 2 awards, IES Gold Medalist, and Intel Gold Medal and Prize. i was the first to be presented of the bachelor scroll on stage for my cohort. sounds cocky? haha... i think this is the only achievement i made this year. but reading back my old posts, i recalled what kinda shit i went through for my FYP and SDP. but then, my SDP group is the king of fabrications.

5. a year where i first learn how to find a job, go interview, and impress during interviews

i din really apply for jobs during 2006. 2007 was the year i felt hong gan, and apply. but then, things din turn up too well during my school term. look for jobs, go for career talks, apply for jobs, go for job interviews took a lot a lot of my time. end up cannot study, cannot do FYP, cannot do SDP, cannot run, cannot pak tor, cannot play (...and so on). after given myself enough excuses, i stop applying for jobs and concentrate in making sure i get my first class. even though towards the end, i was still unsure (since i know where i made a FATAL error in my FYP). so, even after i graduated, i haven't secured a so-called "good" job. + the grad trip i went, i missed even more opportunities. but then, i guessed i honed my interview skills good enough, that after i came back from grad trip, every interview i went is a bull-eye. apply once, and i get it. at the end, i still never really prepare for job interviews like the way other people did. i'm not proud of that. in fact, i felt pretty ashamed.

6. a year where i took CFA, and think i might fail

i very bo liaoz. graduated liaoz still go take external exams. end up dunno will pass or not. jan 20th i will tell you again.

7. a year where i realised someone posted my blog on www.hardwarezone.com forum

mai siao siao... got shocked when i found out. and mai siao siao... someone googled "lin zhengchang + stupid" and found my blog.

8. oh, 2007 also a year whereby i realised published papers are crap

cos they actually published my FYP as a paper. those people tau nao pai ker.

9. a year where i broke a my record of high fever

i had a 39.8 degree fever when i was back in reservist... but surprisingly, i didn't fell too weak.

10. a year where i first started to work, and also a year where i changed a job

to be honest, i probably started this new phase of life in a very bad way. a lot of personal factors are reasons/excuses behind it. these may not be valid or good reasons, but sometimes, internal or external factors do affect judgements and emotions, whether or not they are valid. especially when emotions are already stirred due to a myriad of reasons.

all in all, i cannot say that i regret joining TECH. simply because, i really made some good friends over there. and that has really leave a good fond memory behind. however, i don't feel good joining the company when i know i will quit soon. it felt like betrayal, a breeching of trust. some people will say, you have to give urself the chance, and also the company the chance. but did i really give TECH the chance? i would say it was a clear, but difficult, decision to quit TECH. some other people will say, it is juz logical to work first, and continue to shop. get the money mah... perhaps that was a more "mature" perspective. but honestly, i dun feel it is right. that's why, i felt really shitty to join tech. i made the decision of joining them for a while because i need money. practical reasons of life. but it's not right, so i felt bad.

then come P&G... it's a whole new story. the total opposite side. haha... what an irony man. i have been thinking, what if i had managed to join P&G at the very start of this phase, would everything be better? i will never know the outcome though. stupid reasons, stupid woes. stupid things that affected me, but i learn and grow. i got to know myself a lot better. emotions, my limits, value judgments of myself and others, what i can take up and put down... a lot of things came from within, rather than from without. a friend told me something that his friend told him.

"if your life sucks, it's because you let it be so."

okay, fair enough. agreed. i have had problems handling the past and present, and that made me felt i won't be able to handle the future. so probably, this can be part of my 2008 resolutions bah. hahah...

11. a year where i have relationship high and woes

this year, there were some very good times in my relationship, there were some very bad times in the relationship too. glad that things are much better now. hopefully both of us got to know each other better, and know what should be done and what should not be done.

in summary,

i would say that 2007 had not been a very good year for me. yeah, there were some really proud moments. i've also gotten a few good things. but on the whole, i've suffered defeats, been on an emotional low, and learnt a lot of bad truths. maybe i expect too much to happen, and too much of myself. this is something a lot of people have been telling me.

good times, bad times, 2007 was a year of learning, and recogising myself and many more. but sad to say, i've not penned down too much thoughts. i will start to pen them down as i recollect more. haha..

hopefully, 2008 will be a much better year. i'll leave the resolutions to another time.

i will wake up tomorrow, saying to myself "Today is going to be a... less bad day. I can feel it. Sometimes when i wake up, i know everything is going to be... less bad" (yes, it's another Ally McBeal's quote)

3 nights of simple meet up

2007-12-23T15:01:00.000+08:00

simple dinner, simple conversations, simple updates of each other's life, and simple laughters.

simplicity is best.

simple meet ups like these are rejuvenating. it is always good to know there are people around you who genuinely cares, and give simple sms/calls/emails to ask how are you doing, especially in a period of unknown, lost and worries.

life will continue to be in the better... hopefully!

end of 1 issue

2007-12-03T00:29:00.000+08:00

right, i juz took my CFA just now. it's been a long time since i did a 6 hours long examination. the 6 hours split into 2 3-hour sessions though. but nonetheless, it is madness, and super draining. but well, at least it is over.

have to say, not only it has been a long time since i took such a lengthy exams, it has also been a long time since i feel so helpless doing the examination. a lot of things is read and forget, and with my lousy memory, it is all the more so. hence, cfa, being something like JC's memorise-and-u-get-the-highest kinda thing, it was quite tough for me. anyway, juz hope to pass. nothing much i can do. anyway, is already damn glad that it is past me.

after the exams, went to eat seafood with chen juan and weizhi. good dinner, but back home, i have to face the shit - work. back home at 8:35, bathed and washed up by 9pm, but i really couldn't make myself to switch on the laptop to work. instead, i went to read blogs and tidy up some admins in my room, like shelve all my cfa books away etc.

but i still have to face it. work from 10:30 till now... a lot of emails. accessing through VPN from home is super slow....

time to sleep and face the music tml. let's see if i can endure a 16 hours marathon everyday at work for the next 1 mth. if i can make it, then i make it. if i cannot make it, then maybe it's time to get my year-end bonus and kiss the mama goodbye.

2007-11-29T22:39:00.000+08:00

i've been in an emotional low for the past 1 mth. nothing has been going really well for me in anything that i've been doing. not doing well in my work, my cfa is very highly likely going to fail, my memory has been failing me...

this one month has been really a test of my own belief in my own capability. and this one month has been really a time to think through what is really important in my life.

so, what really motivates me? a fantastic career? i am having a really good and promising job right now, but i am not happy. one thing, the job is not something i wanted in the first place. second, i feel i m not up to the job. there isn't really a very good job fit bah... between me and my position.

i think, what really motivates me is, to make my parents happy, my friends happy and make my gf happy. but for all three, i think i've done a good job. parents, i am preoccupied with my own thoughts, work and cfa. friends, i've not been turning up for choir, nor really going out to know how my friends are doing. gf, i think i've not been a really good boyfriend.

but one thing has to be settled at a time. it is probably too ambitious to want to achieve everything all at one time bah. once one thing settled, the rest will fall in place naturally.

so i guess, the first and the most important thing is to pick myself up again bah... and also to try to stop a bad "habit" which my gf really dun like.

stand up, wenquan, stand up.

an enormous feeling of...

2007-11-13T00:08:00.000+08:00

accomplishment....

i am joking.

i am feeling a huge sense of incompetency...

2007-10-29T00:20:00.000+08:00

arghhh fuck. i m falling into a loop.

2007-10-28T23:56:00.001+08:00

好累

First day at work

2007-10-16T21:41:00.001+08:00

first day at work, have more or less settled all the adminstrative issues i guess.

have already gotten my company personal laptop, got the SecurID card for home access, activated it, applied for corporate credit card and singtel IDD card, got my cordless office phone, completed 2 online onboarding lessons (business conduct and IT), got all my computer and internet access passwords, completed all the online personal data forms and etc.

tml start training from some of the managers.

new to lotus note, dun really know how to work with it. had some problems and communicated to IT to settle it.

a bit lonely. probably the only new hire that reported work today.

feeling unfocused in reading things. including my own cfa examination materials.

feeling as if i am getting stupier as time goes by. memory like shit. cannot seems to remember stuffs, and having difficulty in reading things.

but heck. let's see what happens tml.

2007-10-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

was watching 白色巨塔 last episode on saturday. never really chasing the show, but here and there when i realised it is showing on the tv will catch a few glimpses.

得到的心得是, no one is that important, to the world, or to anyone else. the world continues to spin with you, or not.

keep relying on each other, but stay independent too.

stupid 心得, i know.

2007-10-05T02:16:00.000+08:00

i was reading back some old posts till around april.

then i realised, i have only left NUS for like 4-5 mths!? furthermore, among that 4-5 mths, 1+ mths was holidaying.

why do i feel i have aged in juz 5 mths? hahaha~~~ (maybe because of too many emotional and mental burdens/thoughts/struggles bah)

one of the posts mentioned about me feeling burnt out. rite now, i dun feel so but since i am holidaying now, itz probably inaccurate. but i know i have been a little bit procrastinating. which is, very normal of myself, whether am i burnt out or not. i tend to stare blankly into space.

hopefully, i will be super motivated when i join P&G on 15 oct. but for now, i juz look forward to a very short trip to phuket bah.

gf coming back soon. a good thing.

funny

2007-10-03T12:07:00.000+08:00

it is always interesting to find out how some of the visitors found out about this blog page. other than the common referrals from hardwarezone.com, or from google searches on "PC1432 midterm", "maersk aptitude test", "P&G interviews" etc, there is something that is kinda funny.

someone actually googled "lin zhengchang" +stupid....

hahahahaha

Resignation

2007-10-02T12:13:00.000+08:00

Yesterday (monday) was my last working day in TECH Semiconductor.

my stay in the company was a short one. a mere 3 mths stay, i am really not in a position to comment much about the company. moreover, my initial mentality upon entrance was already a foul one. due to a myriad of reasons, most of which were due to my own incapabilities, i was left with "no choice" but to join the company first while looking at other possible opportunities. why "no choice", why the inverted commas? because, no choice itself is crap. i could always have quit before joining, and continue to look for jobs then. but i still decided to join the company to earn some cash. haha...

a lot of people told me, there is nothing wrong in doing so. many told me itz only logical to work, earn and safeguard urself, but look for jobs at the same time. take MCs, leaves for interviews, and take until the company cannot take it anymore. it was even termed "stupid" if i dun do so. lotsa people did the same thing as myself. a lot more people probably were more extreme. on my last day, my senior in Tech told me, there were a few people who practically claimed OT (TECH Semiconductor pays people for doing OT) simply for sleeping in the company, go out play games but claimed "OT" when coming back to company to bathe blah blah blah. Max out every month, then quit before confirmation. power lei...

right or wrong, it is really based on perspective. in a society that has a pretty warped view of right and wrong, perhaps there is really nothing wrong to "cheat" the company's money in this way. standing on a very immature level, i dun feel right doing so. perhaps i would have given the same advice to other people if they were in the same shoe as i was, but having gone thru it myself, i still dun feel it being "right". but there are always excuses to console myself. like for example, ultimately, no one will really be taking care of me. at least, the company wun unless there are mutual benefits. i will have to take care of myself.

i wouldn't say my stay in the 3 mths was enjoyable. however, it was not enjoyable not because of the company, not because of the environment, and not because of the people in the company. it was shitty because of myself. factors includes a foul mentality, a little bit of guilty conscience, worries of having lost too many opportunities, lack of confidence of myself, thinking of how to cheat myself out to go for interviews, trying to do too many things at one time, plus a few others personal thoughts. hard to be too fun with so many thoughts in my mind. there and above, with all these nagging factors, it makes it even more difficult to concentrate and give my best during my stay to make myself feels better. a vicious cycle.

however, it would be unfair to say the 3mths was without fun. i have had a few pleasant surprises in tech.

one, being its people. while the wave training (training for all new entrants) was really crappy and pointless, i get to know very nice people from my own wave 142. a bunch of weirdos, our wave was really unique, and cohesive. super "siao-on" people, it makes me feels very comfortable. in fact, the experience reminded me why i even started to set up consonance 6 years ago. some good times together, and a lot of crappy jokes and laughter, i truly enjoyed and appreciate the time spent fooling around with them.

next, is the people in my own department. also a bunch of talk-cock kias, we often had lunch outside the company. crapping outside about bosses and etc, it makes my gossip antenna grew much longer than most of my other wavemates. hahaha... on a more serious note, there are a few interesting perspective from these people whom have worked in company for a few years, and i m glad that they shared selflessly with me. despite having very bad working schedule, they tried to take as much time out as possible to coach me, while making me comfortable. even after they knew about my impending departure, they were still ready to coach me, because they think that is only right. i believe most people, having known someone is going to leave for sure, they probably will feel that spending too much time coaching him/her further is a waste of time. but no, not for them. henceforth, the people factor has been the biggest pulling factor preventing me to quit.

third, i had a pay rise in just 2 mths into the work. plus the direction the section manager is putting me onto, it does seems promising (vertically) if i work hard enough. there and above, although i dun think my SM is very zai as a supervisor, i think the manager (one level higher than SM) is pretty power. he knows his stuffs, and he does seems very decent person for a supervisor. generally, people in planning department is a notch higher in calibre in some other departments i observed.

while the above are real and seemingly promising, i decided to leave. making such a decision is shitty. making such a decision is irresponsible. making such a decision make me took back certain words/promises that i made during interview. making such a decision makes me feel apologetic to my manager. but i still make this decision.

and i know the reasons behind my decision. and many reasons they are, more of personal related than work related. at the end of the day, there is a risk involved, and my decision may not be correct or to my best benefits. but the day has not ended, so itz up to me to try to make it correct.

Goodbye, Techsemiconductor. Hello, Procter & Gamble.

afterthoughts

2007-10-01T00:16:00.000+08:00

after reading a particular comment from a particular person, i have this question in my mind.

"sometimes i really wonder, are u stupid or what?"

but of cos, the question continue to stay in my mind, thatz all. haha...

anyway, at least it reminded me of something. some "advice" are better left unsaid, especially when it is made without a good grounding/knowledge of events. if advice made are good, then okay, u win. if advice made are lousy, it will not give you any problem either. the consequences will only be borne by the listener shld he/she heeds them.

it is especially worse when the person giving advice is mostly judged as incapable.

anyway, 2 weeks break coming soon.

the letter

2007-09-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

handed in the letter and had a small talk. everything seems okay. bridges probably not burnt.

one "problem" is solved. but whether or not if it is the best solution then i dunnoe liaoz. there are other problems to tackle now, and i still feel i do not have the capacity to solve, put down and forget them.

since that is the case, then probably it is better to handle other smaller issues first bah...

itz been a mth

2007-09-18T22:45:00.000+08:00

it's been a mth.

so how are u? seen the concert? i believe consonance shld have done u proud again bah, hopefully? consonance will continue to do you proud, i believe.

let's keep it short and sweet. all is well, dun worry.

wasted weekend

2007-09-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

i think, i shld really get my ass out of the house if i really want to get something done.

every weekend stay at home always in the end end up wasting a lot of time dunnoe doing what... if not slacking, then itz thinking about things that i shouldn't really be thinking about...

他妈的。下个礼拜打死都得好好的做些事了。

got a shock

2007-09-07T22:12:00.000+08:00

i've got a shock today at work.

2 mths into the work, and then i got one letter.

distinction

2007-09-06T23:38:00.000+08:00

i guess itz the first real good news for me after a long time... a few mths...

Consonance received a Distinction in her recent ABRSM choral examination!

well done people!

i am so so so proud to be in this choir. =D

dear friend

2007-08-23T00:36:00.000+08:00

i know you will love these pictures...

dear friend

2007-08-22T00:01:00.000+08:00

i dun really know how i shld go about talking about it.

i tot recently i am drained enough that i tot it is impossible to get worse. but somehow, somewhere, things must happen in a way that strike you when you are at your weakest.

a close friend, a person whom i know will really listen and care if i ever look for him, has juz passed away.

seriously, there are many things i would like to write about him. but, i m at a loss of words now.

i was searching thru my piles of letters/greeting cards. among them there is one that he wrote for me in 2001. i also recalled a very long conversation with him at costa sands resort pasir ris, whereby we talked many things about choir and ourselves. reading it and thinking back, somehow i feel that i've not been that great a senior afterall in these few years. there is little i can do now actually. but human are always like this. we kept reminding each other that we should appreciate each other, what we have, protect them, and it will be too late once you really lose it. but how many of us have really done so? and the fault being? the pressure of life that disgusting alter priority of what is really important? or the ignorant feel that loss is something that will not materialise?

he is a person with far too many thoughts, likes to push himself over his real limits, a large amount of pessismism, and a person who is willing to take large amount of personal sacrifice for others and choir. he is a person who always tries to lighten up the mood, tells lame jokes, takes good care of his juniors, but keeps all the sad things to himself.

whatever it is, i've lost a friend forever. and consonance has lost a permanent supporter forever too.

the only 2 things that i am glad now are, his passing is probably not due to any of his pessimism, and that he will be deeply missed by many friends who have had the opportunity to know him well.

shift work

2007-08-15T01:27:00.000+08:00

it can be rather tiring to work for the 12-hr shift fab attachment. reaching office at 8:30, i officially start work at 9am and work till 9:30pm at night. the day is super long, and being in fab means i have to be in smock. and being in smock means my nose will be completely covered by the mask, and makes breathing a little bit difficult and irritating. and in fab, i have to stand all the time, cos space is limited, and there isn't an extra chair around for the trainee.

so a good combinations of these factors, makes the shift work especially tiring. plus the fact that i slept at 2am in the morning yesterday makes the whole experience for the day even more exhausting. therefore, it really takes an huge amount of effort to do anything extra after work. am juz not sure if making the effort is worth it afterall, esp if it may be perceived of not being enough. and what is more sickening is, after reaching back home i still have to do a little bit of my report for the attachment. haiiz, tiring.

been loading myself with quite a few things recently, and fully occupying whatever remaining time i have after work. for one example, i have juz applied for a S$1.3k exam named CFA level 1. until now, i am still not fully sure if it will ever comes into picture for my job searching.... but let's juz hope it will not be a waste of my money eventually bah. 1.3k to me is a very large sum now. it simply reduces what i have scrimp and save for the past mth to almost nothing.

the best thing that i can look forward to for the rest of the week is.... ITZ MY REST DAY FROM WEDNESDAY TILL SATURDAY!!!!

but on sunday, we will be back to "there we go again. same old shit again" (sing in tune when marching in army)

Frank Lloyd Wright

2007-08-06T22:38:00.000+08:00

read this on today's "Today". found it pretty interesting.

Stop A Moment To Relax

Have you had any spare time lately? I really doubt it. Our lives are jammed to the point where there's hardly room for anything extra or surplus.

And that reminds me of a wonderful story about Frank Lloyd Wright, the famous architect. When he was just nine years old, he went walking one winter day across a snow-covered field with his reserved, no-nonsense uncle.

When they reached the far end of the field, his uncle stopped him. He pointed out his own tracks in the snow - they were straight and true as an arrow's flight. And then he pointed out Frank's tracks meandering all across the field.

"Notice how your tracks wander aimlessly from the fence to the cattle to the woods and back again," his uncle said. "And see how my tracks aim directly to my goal. There's an important lesson in that."

Right to the day he died, Frank remembered the lesson, but not the way his uncle had intended. He used to say with a twinkle in his eye: "I determined right then not to miss most of the things in life, as my uncle had."

Yes, it's important to reach your goals, but along the way, even on the busiest of days, we must take time for spontaneity, relaxation and fun, and maybe even an unscheduled trip out to see the flowers and trees. You won't regret it.

found the thoughts of Frank's pretty interesting, and the article having some relevance to myself now. hah. if only things are simplier. if only i am a simplier perso who can put down and let go.

back from reservist

2007-07-29T00:59:00.000+08:00

a trip to sungei gedong has rendered me rather physically weak...

it was quite alarming, while somehow still heartening too, that i managed to clinch a silver for my ippt even though i barely trained. i think... i did 2, or was it 3, runs before reservist... and it was like 2 weeks ago i think. surprisingly, i still managed to get 5 points for all my static stations, but flopped big time for my 2.4km timing. i had to whack myself damn hard to get a 11:56min timing... hahahahahaha

7 mths of inactivity... but at least i get my $200 and a jolly-good confirmation that i wun be able to clinch silver again next year if i do the way i did this year.

then, went outfield on wed morning, and fell out in the night 10+pm. kanna fever... 39.8. kanna sai.... got damn surprised. i wasn't feeling well... but wasn't feeling THAT unwell. but nonetheless, i spent a night at tengah airbase sickbay, and luckily without drip.

the best thing 452 did this year was to let us have an early out process. a supposedly sat out-pro was changed to friday. i am not complaining. but it really serve no purpose to always have a 6 days in camp while other reservist unit always chop chop curry pok. let juz hope such practices continue in this 452 battalion bah.

it comes from within rather than from without

2007-07-18T00:00:00.001+08:00

it came from the one person whom i shared a little about my thoughts on msn one night

so true... yet... itz myself that i have problem managing... hah

tired

2007-07-16T00:13:00.000+08:00

feeling very tired... am bothered with many issues and i feel shit in not knowing what i shld do next...

keep wondering what i've done is correct, or not. yet, i've never manage to find an answer to it. things swirl around, and mind keep spinning. i've always told myself and others, itz always not a good thing to "think too much". yet, this time round, i have problems curbing myself.

i have problems handling the present, and i have problems forgetting the past. little things that trigger certain past events makes me especially unhappy these days. i try my best to come to terms with them, and accept, forgive, and forget. yet, i have not been very successful with all of them.

it feels damn shit to force yourself to do something u really dun want to. and itz made worse simply because the initial mindset was already warped. i dun have a lot of principles in life. but i feel strongly in those that i hold. yet, i am weak enough to succumb to external factors due to mistakes that i've made.

i am confused and dun really know how to articulate myself well. feeling a little bit alone and tired in this struggle, and uncertain about whatz right and wrong, whatz going to happen next and whatz i shld do next...

perhaps, i am not ready yet

end of NUS

2007-07-09T23:56:00.000+08:00

cos, end of commencement.

now quite tired. see next time got mood then write more.

good nite.

back in singapore

2007-06-22T00:42:00.000+08:00

i am back in singapore. yesterday midnight, 20th june midnight.

itz a long holiday in china. everything's good. got fun part also got not so fun part. got very happy moments also got less happy or duller moments. itz 1+ mth... so u can't expect everyday also exciting and etc. but overall, itz good.

but coming back to reality, there are some sacrifices made for this holiday.

for one, high expenditure. so now, i am pretty broke.
for two, high phone bills. gotta pick up a lot of calls in china from singapore, from my ise department, nus and family.
for three, a lot of admins are postponed. i juz cleared all the letters accumulated throughout the mth.
for four, my job not really settled. being away for 1+ mth crippled the possibility of looking for jobs during the june holiday. right now, i am not offered by IBM yet, so i probably will have to join Tech first for the moment.

while itz a sad fact that certain sacrifices were made, but at least i know i made them for a cause. a cause which i am willing to make sacrifices for.

so now, after coming back, i have to get a few things done first. wait for ibm. if nothing happens, then work for tech first and then see what. at the mean time, itz probably a good idea to get myself signed up for jobstreet.com and etc liaoz. and get myself acquainted with new skills like vba, and maybe cfa.

at qingdao airport

2007-06-03T09:14:00.000+08:00

not bad, qingdao airport provides free laptop for use.

anyway, i am in qingdao airport now, and will be leaving for shanghai and sichuan chengdu soon. shld be an interesting trip.

another update is, i am elected as the reserve valedictorian to speak if the main one never appears. both the main and the reserve ones are from ISE. haha.... not bad.

anyway, i missed to be the top student by a marginal CAP of 0.2. wasted... hahaha... too bad. have been too slack for sem 6 and 7, so lan lan. now regret that time never work hard a bit too late also. so, i am out of the league for valedictorian and lee kuan yew gold medal. but i had a tele-interview for PEB gold award.

PEB stands for Professional Engineer (or Engineering) Board. award is given to students with at least first class honours and excellent ECA. but i think that one is hard to get for me. whole engineering only give one award. there are so many other students who have better ECAs than I do. plus, i cocked up the tele-interview too. din speak too well. hahaha~~

but it would be great to get at least an award bah? haha... hope so.

headache

2007-05-29T08:14:00.000+08:00

tamade... having headaches for the past few days.

whatever the reasons behind the headaches, it is not very enjoyable both physically and emotionally...

For those who are interested to know

2007-05-26T07:37:00.000+08:00

while things eventually turns out to be the better (academically), it wasn't exactly a smooth process.

the A for my FYP din come as easy as people thought it would be. or at least, the A was as granted as people has taken it to be for me. i couldn't say the same for my system design project though. SDP was minimum effort.

i have to admit that the first sem in my last year was not that hectic. generating the simulation model was troublesome, but there was minimum stress during that period of time. things proceeded slowly, but steadily, although there were several repeated works because Automod 12 was not very steady, and i couldn't grasp what the PSA people really want. so, things gotta be redone, again and again.

come the second sem, those who were with me knew how difficult i had to convince myself to go on. and even on the final day of presentation itself to PSA, it was tough for me, simply because i knew what was going on.

but upon completing the presentation, i knew i was quite safe for the first class.

while i have felt that this project was a major cocked up, and believe me it is cos i knew. things cannot be too explicit here when i know a specific prof who goes around surfing for blogs, specifically female's blogs. but, i digress.

in the end, a cocked up project like that was given an A, and was submitted for Winter Simulation Conference for approval in participation, and then finally, was accepted to be published and be given an oral presentation in Washington D.C. in december.

whatever it is, i have gotten my A. i dun want to go Washington to present.

as for my life recently, i guess it has been good although there has been several hipcups along the way. gotten to know several truths, such as WSC approval, first class honours, not officially hired by IBM (yet, hopefully), and other issues. some are good news, some are bad news (i termed WSC approval as a bad news).

it is great to be stay ignorant of issues i believe, but i think it is much better to have them be told to me before i discover things myself. certain things changes, certain things stay put though. but with time, everything will turn for the better. just like how i eventually get my A for FYP when midway i was literally thinking itz gone.

trust, once broken, takes a long time to heal. thatz why, the PSA people never get to find out the big thing behind my simulation. otherwise, i wonder whether a year was long enough to convince them to give me my A for FYP. phew~~~

all in all, i am a first class honour student now. i can finally change my resume, from "Expected First Class Honour" to "First Class Honour". 4 years of hard work (err... actually the first 2.5 years was more like it...) has eventually paid off, and i've gotten what i set out to achieve in army before i enter NUS. nostalgic... and thatz the longest goal i have set out for myself and achieve it.

commendable bah....

sometimes i really wonder if i am quick or slow

2007-05-13T23:44:00.000+08:00

cos there are times i feel i am not very sensitive to things happening around me.

yet... there are times i am quick at reading minds and actions. for eg, sensing a reason behind getting people to go away from the spot.

anyway, not important. hope i get some awards before i leave NUS. above all, lee kwan yew gold medal! hahaha

real last official day in nus

2007-05-08T00:56:00.000+08:00

today (or rather yesterday since itz passed midnight) is my last official day in nus.

really, a lot of thoughts came to my mind. not today, but 1-2 weeks ago when i was more or less done with everything in nus except the sdp presentation.

it has really been a freaking long 4 years.... errr... long is not the right word. cos everything so freaking zoomed passed me.

fucking hell.

but then, come today, i think there are quite a lot of memories to be shared in nus. ise is really not that bad a place afterall.

many thoughts, but not much mental capacity to put them down here. all in all, once i step out, i think i will miss nus.

in some ways or another.

A Youtube video featuring Dick Lee

2007-04-30T20:21:00.001+08:00

back from redang

2007-04-25T17:20:00.000+08:00

went for a short trip to redang with some friends over the past weekend, 190407 - 230407. itz a good short trip. relaxing. and the beach is damn beautiful

some pictures...

presentation to PSA

2007-04-11T19:01:00.000+08:00

malingering, a word that i have not heard or seen or used ever since i ended army i think. hahaha... but somehow, i came across this word again during lunch just now.

anyway, i digress.

i've finished presenting to PSA my FYP.

fucking siong. almost died. and yesterday, was fucking stressed up at night, cos i suddenly realised a major error. Big error.

hahahahaha~~~

but everything is over. I can juz heck it and go. No longer do i need to care about this project anymore.

i got the fucking call up

2007-04-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

all lot gather!!

23/07 to 28/07, see ya at sungei gedong. 6 fucking days to face brian ong.

of all day, today i get the fucking call up.

nabeh cheebye.

random thoughts

2007-04-08T00:50:00.000+08:00

it has been a reasonably slack week. not that i have nothing to do, juz that i am not in too much a mood to complete them. i have 2 presentations to do next week, and a report due too.

for some reasons, i have lost a large part of motivation to do things. FYP is supposedly important, and thus i shld have spent some effort in my FYP presentation. but somehow it seems, i am not putting in much effort. i just want to get it over and done with.

lose steam, lose motivation, lose energy.

thatz it man. i am facing burnt out.

and cos of the free time, my mind tends to swing a little bit more unnecessarily. a huge lesson i have learnt a few years back during my stint as a leader in consonance is, itz always good to be in the unknown. knowing hits hard sometimes. thatz why people says, curiousity kills.

my mind has recently been more towards the negative, for some reasons. ever since army, restrospection is a part of life. just that after army, itz harder to set aside time to self-retrospect. in uni, normally the time i'm hit with the biggest shit, is the time i am least free. during holidays, everything are always good, so normally wun sudden go self-retrospect.

a free (but not so free) week like last week, suddenly i started to think about myself. retrospection goes 2 ways, and i went the not-so-pleasing way. i started to think about some of the stuffs, that i regretted that i have done. regret is a sickening thing. but the shit thing is, given the situation again, will i be able to do something differently? for some, i think i can. for some others, i started having self-doubts.

this brings along a series of thoughts. value-judgements mostly. value-judgements on myself.

then, some other things. things eventually lead to think. to come to terms with myself.

while this seems a little bleak, luckily i am a lazy person. so all things (think) have to come to an end. and i know, i have moved on and crossed myself on certain issues (wanted to say 过了自己这一关 in english. made a pretty bad attempt it seems, hah!), not all.

but heck, FYP presentation on monday. Present the same thing to PSA on tuesday. And then, i juz wait to graduate, hopefully safely. then, i shall fuck off this place that i badly wanted to join when i was in army.

come to think of it... what a joke.

rejected

2007-04-02T11:09:00.000+08:00

this morning, i had a hunch that i will receive a reply from P&G regarding my job application to them. and true enough, my hunch was correct.

when i get to the lab at around 10:10, i signed in to my gmail account, and there. An email from P&G. As for the content of the email, the title of this post speaks for itself. haha~~~

sianz... a bit disappointed. but well, what can i do?

now, i have to start thinking, what should i do? should i continue to join tech? joining tech will be difficult to move on. while tech pays quite well, i think i will have limited opportunities to really train myself wholistically. tech is nonetheless a singapore firm. and the amount of OT that is in front of me, it might be a bit difficult to look for other jobs, or do any kind of upgrading.

do i want to join engineering, or semicon industry for the rest of my life? it sounds a bit sickening...

how how!??!?

kopped from ivan

2007-03-27T00:30:00.000+08:00

i think the picture not bad leh.... quite sui... but i got a guai lan look. hahahhaha

oh yah... these are my SDP group mates... system design project group mates. doing NUH project. king of all fabrications. hahahahha

juz when i tot i might have a little break....

2007-03-26T23:56:00.000+08:00

and suddenly it seems... no!!??!?

okay... i'm more or less done with my FYP liaoz. seriously speaking... i was kinda stressed up, in fact quite stressed cos my model doesn't seems to be churning comfortable results. finally, after some attempts... i managed to squeeze something out, and immediately, i put a stop at going further.

so finally, i wrote my report, edited it accordingly to my prof's comments, and revised it for the 3rd time. handed it up, thinking, i juz need to wait till wednesday and that is it.

FYP can juz be a history... at least report writing.

but... now i am worried.... cos i juz read an email from prof lee.

"Hi, Yongbin,

Wen quan has written the report, maybe we can convert the report in the paper form and then submit to Winter simulation conference if it is not too late.

Generally, may be we can send an email to the program chair to ask for another two weeks extension.

Sorry for the last minute call, as I think the report has sufficient contents to be sent to WSC.

Thanks.

LH"

suddenly... i am worried i need to rewrite stuffs....

itz not a bad thing seriously... cos it juz means i have a decent chance in getting a decent results for my FYP if my paper is submitted.... but then seriously... i dun want to work any further liaoz leh....

i juz want to graduate....

and sometimes... i seriously wonder why do they have so much confidence in my results and modeling... did they ever wonder that my model might not be accurate actually??? siao man...

FYP report more or less completed

2007-03-20T23:40:00.000+08:00

I have finally more or less completed writing my FYP report. Just some touch up with my flow chart diagram and I am done.

But i am done doesn't mean others are done with me. I've juz submitted a copy of the report to Prof Lee. I din send him the other time when the first draft is supposed to be handed up, cos the report does not have the complete results from all my simulation models. This time round, i completed and send it up to him. Hopefully, he will be kind enough to not request any big changes to my report, or ask me to run more results bah. It has really been very very very very painful.

This has really been a super super super painful process. Many a time, I almost break. Break as in... felt really stressed up. Simulation modeling and running is really not that easy. I have come to regret taking up this topic man. At the end of the day, I am really unsure if my model is accurate or not. Thanks to my limited knowledge.

It is going to end soon. I dun really care how it is going to end anymore, as long as I pass and graduate. Give me a C or even a D, nmd. I juz want to fuck off and graduate.

If i fail, and u tell me to continue with the project for another year.... U might as well kill me. And i mean, I literally mean, I might go suicide. I rather die man....

and juz another note. Thanks darling for being with me all the time. I know u dun like to be in the lab. There isn't any thing much for you to do in the lab with me either. But u've been around and accompanying me. And you been really nice and understanding. Hopefully, after the FYP, i will have the luxury of time to accompany you more often.

But hey, I still want to go back to Consonance to sing on saturday hor~~~ hahahaha

Love you baby.

it had been a busy week

2007-03-12T00:26:00.000+08:00

it has been an extremely busy week.

of cos, itz FYP that is spearheading all these hectic shit. but, job finding adds on to the already taut string.

on last monday, i've gotta go down to changi to pick up my first job offer. well, this simply means i am at least secure in some sense. but i am not really interested in picking up this job lah. hoping to get better offers along the way.

then on tuesday, i stayed in the lab whole day, trying to churn out some stuffs for my FYP simulation and report. cos i gotta hand in a first draft on last friday.

wednesday, met up for sdp meeting. then after that, immediately gotta go down to PSA to talk to the people there about some of my simulation results. and guess what? gotta change stuffs... so i gotta rerun everything again!!! and then, the report was going to be due in 2 days time... gau gau.... i stayed back in the lab till 2am in the morning to churn out some crap to put inside the report man... sibei gau... damn shack

thursday, took time out to go maersk for an aptitude test. think din do too well on that... anyway, i never really expect myself to get anything out from maersk either. this is probably going to be a waste of my time anyway. quickly after the maersk written test, go back nus to meet prof for sdp meeting. then fyp again.

friday, early in the morning went down for P&G interview. took me a lot of effort to finally land myself for this interview. felt that i did quite poorly for the interview round... but surprisingly, i got a call in the evening that i actually passed it!! hahaha... the flop in the morning got my mood very sucky at first... but was damn happy to know i actually passed the first round. then quickly chop chop finish up the fyp draft report and sent them to my professors. hahaha~~~ went out to clementi to have dinner and have my spectacle changed. the previous one actually broke while i was researching on P&G on thursday.... then i gotta wear my gf's spec for the interview. gau gau...

took a short break from projects for this weekend... although i still spent an afternoon with ivan in the lab discussing sdp. but okay lah... that meeting quite slack. hahaha...

at least, one of the worst weeks is over for now. although got some other small things making me a bit unhappy here and there, but at least the week is over. tml and tuesday gotta go tech semicon to do the pre-employment orientation. work 2 days, get $200. not bad siah. the money will sure come in useful especially i have no income and no pocket money!!

next week, chiong again for FYP. hopefully next week can finish all my simulation runnings and go PSA and talk cock with them again. then hopefully, i can finally give my FYP a final blow and keep it at rest.

FYP is a goner

2007-03-04T01:46:00.000+08:00

sick of it.

fucking fucking sick of it.

juz let me graduate. i dun want my first class anymore.

regret.

why did i choose a simulation project? why did i choose something so tough, time consuming, and need not in the end be something that is good?

in this project, too many people are involved. i know too little and din do much research to decide things myself. no way am i able to do much research when i am not able to visit the port myself anyway.

at the end of the day, i am not even sure if i am coding a correct model afterall.

27 senarios, each sample size 5. 4 models in all. total runs needed = 27 x 4 x 5. prof asked me to consider running another dimension... so it might be 27 x 4 x 5 x 2. hahaha... each runs takes 20 mins.

kill me bah. need to redo some runs cos there are more datas i want to collect and look into. damn siong.

anyway, as a breakaway from these works, i realised something stupid juz now.

someone know of my blog, and post it at hardwarezone.com.... what the fuck!?!

see it for yourself. itz damn siao one. really. click the link and find "all-my-thoughts.blogspot.com" in the forum entries.

http://forums.hardwarezone.com/showthread.php?t=1482013&page=7&pp=15

a short update

2007-02-19T02:00:00.000+08:00

actually, nothing much to update. my life has been revolving around fyp, sdp, finding jobs and going for interviews, and accompanying my darling.

fyp.... okay lah. made some progress... the progress being i am stopping my coding liaoz. shall start running the 4 models and collect some results.

sdp.... okay lah. survived through the meeting with NUH although got to prepare for a bigger one to meet with the management level one. still gotta tie down with the simulation model for SDP.

job.... okay lah. went to P&G problem solving test. quite difficult. not any easier than the practices they provide. but i did manage to finish all 50 questions in 65 mins. finished the long application forms with 9 essays required for them too. they better give me an interview chance man.... spent so much time on them.

darling.... okay lah. din sleep for one night to prepare things for her on vday... although already bought facial wash and toner for her liaoz.... at least she made something extra for me on top of her presents too. hahahahahha~~~ so never lugi. went genting with her, wenqiu and kotsuke on vday. had fun... cos at least i got a very good break from fyp and sdp, and spent some quality time with her bah. been busy and never spend much time with her.

chinese new year... brought my darling back to let my parents see too. got some angbaos which will come in good use, soon... and watch quite a few shows during this vday-cny break. but, gotta go back to my fyp soon...

他妈的...

first success story

2007-02-10T23:19:00.000+08:00

first success story in my interviews so far... but not confirmed yet though. only a verbal offer.

anyway, am not going to immediately take up any offers yet.

cos, i am waiting for the big one. whahahahaha

had a good lunch today

2007-02-07T02:42:00.000+08:00

lunched with my philips intern mates today... although we lunched at a fucked up place - engine canteen, i've enjoyed myself pretty much. i've always kinda enjoy myself eating with this bunch of people. really... the best take-away for me from the philips internship is this bunch of people man.

today generally is okay. i woke up late... around 10am. then do a bit of tidying for my simulation input data, before adjourning to my lab. met deqiang at canteen, and had some time to catch up with him. then, itz meeting philips friends for lunch.

lunched till 2, i made my way to the lab and start to think about my FYP. felt asleep halfway though... hahaha... but at the end of the day, i've finally completed and got my model 2 going, and fine without noticeable bugs. i am not really sure if there are any bugs lah... but at least i dun see them happening. hopefully i dun need to change it again.

did a bit of SDP too. and now, i m back in my room after a supper. not the most efficient day, but at least it ended well with something accomplished.

tml will be editing my model 1 and get it going.

not going well

2007-02-03T22:58:00.000+08:00

things are going quite bad for me....

when automod 12 gone crazy for me... that was the first time that i felt i might fail my FYP. but thatz because, all that i have done cannot even run cos of some crappy shit in version 12.

now that things are going "fine" in automod 11... fine as in the simulation environment loads fine without problem... this is the first time i am feeling very shitty about my fyp....

i am getting so so so sick of it liaoz. very demoralized.

1 mth has gone since the new year started. i cannot say i din do much... cos i spent quite a bit of time on my FYP. i changed the model a few times already, due to requirements from PSA, and stupid glitches from automod 12. i am supposedly only need to do 2 models at first... then PSA wanted more so become 3. but, plus all the "spoilt" models i redo for version 11, 12, then 11 again... and many changes requirements from PSA... i cannot remember exactly how many models i have done, debug, redo, and debug again.

sounds like i have done a lot? but come down to the truth... i m running around the boundary of square 1. i have not even move on to square 2.

zhanghua shown me her interview questions she prepared for herself last sem. one of them says,

"what makes u most frustrated?"

i say, "not being able to move on".

now i suddenly want to listen to the music of hunchback of notre dame.... god help the outcast.

getting sick in the midst of all these shit din really add much fun to my life either.... but dear, thanks for cooking me the porridge. very nice!

other than the very very nice porridge, warming up with consonance today is the only other consolation i have for this week...

and i almost forget...

2007-01-23T01:16:00.000+08:00

continuation from the previous post...

i still gotta go find jobs, and listen to those career talks!!!

fuck lah! where to find time?

i dun really know how to safely survive this week...

2007-01-23T00:58:00.000+08:00

i've finally gotten my first model for my FYP working but there are still alot to be done. it is working, in the sense that the logic seems to be working fine for now. I still need to change the entire layout to the new one... which took me a lot of time today.

the layout is more or less settled... but i still need to reset all the worklist and parklist for the control points, which are very tedious stuffs.

this week will be extremely busy for me man...

later on tuesday, i am having jap lesson from 10-2. then i gotta go set up all the worklist and parklist for my FYP, which i guess will take me through the whole afternoon till, say 5-6? then i need to go code another simulation model for SDP. night, i gotta study my Jap vocab quiz for chapter 15, and do the kanji writing application practice, due wednesday.

wed got japanese TB lesson from 4-6, which means i gotta spend some time to prepare for the lesson. then wed also gotta meet for SDP. in between, i gotta find time to code the SDP simulation model, and also my FYP second model. in the night, i gotta go memorise Jap TC conversation practice for thursday...

thursday meeting for SDP again.... and same old shit for coding SDP and FYP at the same time. gotta prepare stuffs to meet with the PSA people on friday too. which means, i gotta try to finish the second model on thursday... which i have exactly no idea if that is entirely possible or not.

friday... the morning and noon part gotta consolidate stuffs for PSA meeting at 3pm. then come back, gotta whack SDP all the way...

sat, SDP continues....

nabei lah!!! the sheer thought freaks me off....

problematic

2007-01-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

long time never update. cos nothing much public to update. i've been having fun, and i hope itz not too much fun though. haha...

cos my fyp is a bit hong gan now. chee bye.... now a bit regret take Prof Lee's project liaoz. mistake man... Automod is really not the most friendly program man.... I have decided to fuck the version 12 model and use my version 11 model back. but fucking hell... i need to redo a lot of stuffs on the layout, and these are one of the worst mundane shit. i've been redo-ing layouts a lot of time liaoz.... sibei du lan.

layout aside, got some problem with the coding logic too. need to find ways to find out where exactly went wrong man... Automod coding not like C++/Java coding... debugging logic problem is damn difficult.

time is a bit tight, but as long as i can manage that logic shit out, things shld be managable.

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

and sorry dear, our time spent together are more in the lab than anywhere else. hahaha... u found urself a mugger! and no need to worry about me... i will be able to settle my FYP just fine. just need to take a bit of time and my brain juice.

what should i do?

2007-01-06T11:39:00.000+08:00

many things. one brain.

what should i do?

at least one load will be off my mind after today. consonance is in good hands.

it's a new year, after all

2007-01-02T00:34:00.000+08:00

first and foremost, happy new year to everyone! it's finally 2007, and of cos, i am again a bit late to wish everyone a happy new year. As always. i read back my 2006 posts, and realised i posted on the second day of 2006 then too. hahahhaha.... no matter what, i hope everyone had enjoyed their new year day countdown and stuffs, a fulfilling 2006, and a happy 2007 ahead.

Looking back in 2006, what have i done? Again, i dun think i've done a lot of things. My life still mainly revolves around school. But then, some things have changed. I've also made some decisions, which are considered big to me.

In 2006,

1) I've decided to leave Consonance for a prolonged period of 6 months. Big decision to me, since it has been a big focus in life since 5 years ago. Making this decision wasn't really the easiest thing to do on earth, but itz a decision that I've put in much thoughts in.

2) Another turning point in my life - started a relationship. Think many people still dunnoe, but after posting this entry, more people will know. Yes, I am in a relationship now, and I am happy. Thank you.

3) I've moved into PGP. I wanted to stay in school before i entered NUS, cos i dun like to travel so much everyday. Parents and brothers weren't too agreeable then. After seeing me slogged for so many years, they finally decided i meant truth when i said i want to stay in school to work. But, even if they dun like, they also lan lan.

4) I ran a lot more often. I ran very often for quite some time, but have not been running much for this month. Partly cos of exams. Then i went malaysia. Then, the blardee prolonged raining. But, i will continue to run.

5) I went malaysia, again, with the ISE people. This time round, my gf is in the group.

6) One of my biggest achievements i think, is that I've moved on from being a mugger. Broken myself out from the rat race. Damn happy. Not affected by lousy results too. hahahah... but that being said, i became much less focused in doing things. But, all in all, i had a very good rest from academic pursue. Next year, I shld pick up the pieces and cheong again. Not for academic though... juz want to do well in my FYP and SDP, and others.

7) Activites that highlights my 2006 are concert "FIVE" and being Ben's brother gang in his wedding. Concert FIVE really highlights my time in Consonance, having felt that that's my best-liked concert performance. Am also damn glad to have met the new young ones in Consonance, and they making concert FIVE so special for me. And, I am glad to have been part of Ben's wedding too. Owe him so much man.

8) Went to do VIP in Philips. Din exactly enjoyed myself there. Ended up quarreling with one of the full-time employee too. hahaha... damn gau. but he deserved it anyway. but him aside, the rest of the people there are very fine and friendly. took good care of me. Also, met really nice NUS interns there too. hope to continue to keep in touch with them.

9) first time in my life in nus, i enjoyed a module very much. that was HR2002. the memories are sort of fading liaoz... but i really enjoyed that module then. thank you peggy, for making it so enjoyable.

10) another decision. small and obvious though. I decided not to do masters anymore.

11) 2006 is a bad year cos many of my friends met very big problems in their lives. One of them, as we all know it, is deqiang. Hey man, u took it well, and i've learnt something from you. Do take care of yourself man. Anything, juz call. U can call jiayin also. hahahaha....

12) In 2006, i've also realised i m still not mentally prepared enough to accept bad news within the family. however, in that aspect, i think i've grown better in managing these issues now too. Having seen friends coping with problems, I took something away from that too. Guess, now, i can better manage my emotions further.

Now, having talked about 2006, itz time for 2007. the following are not exactly new year's resolutions. the following are juz stuffs i wanna do, and hope i will do them. it doesn't need to be a new year to list these desires down.

In 2007,

1) I would like to get my first class honours. With that said, i want my FYP an A-. Be it for myself or others. Like what Julius said, i've already ran so far. Putting some priority in FYP is just treating myself fairer.

2) I've slacked for 1 good year liaoz. It's time to pick up the pieces and move on. I hope to be more focused in doing things. I am, nonetheless, 25 years old this year. I dun really have much more time to waste.

3) Continue running. I want to be fitter, than myself now. Itz impossible to be fitter than myself during army liaoz.

4) Start reading newspaper. Get to know the world a bit better.

5) Read more widely. Things like investments stuffs and others. To develop myself not juz academically bah.

6) Find a job. Which is obvious. But am ordered to put it down as a resolution by someone.

7) I would like to go traveling. I've not left singapore very often, partly due to time factor, and partly due to financial factor. now i have some money, and have some time. if i dun do any traveling now, i never will.

8) Rejoin Consonance 6 mths later.

9) I would like to explore something new in my life though. I still love choral singing, and i dun think i will give it up anytime soon. But, am thinking of trying something new. However, i still dunnoe whatz that "something" yet.

10) I've lost touch with many of my friends. And i am guilty of not making too much effort in keeping touch with them. Would love to meet them more often, but in practicality, thatz not going to be too possible. All of us have too many deadlines to follow, and too many people to meet up. If meet them one by one, thatz going to take too much time. But still, it never is a bad thing to want to keep a basic contact going. People like my choir batch people like cheryl stella and chai heng, my og friends, my philips internship friends, choir juniors like zicong kaixuan huishih huizhen weisi yunwei... wah... i really lost touch with them man. And people like jiayin... no... i dun want to lose touch with them.

11) As a follow-up from point 10, maybe i shld try to be less of a loner. maybe i shld be more proactive on msn and get to know how they are doing.

12) last point for now. I love my dear, and i hope to be a proper boyfriend that cares for you in the right way bah.

thatz all i can think of right now bah... at a time of 2:32 am in the morning. i'm not very tired, having slept a lot on 1 Jan. but then, still....

"time is money. there is an exchange rate attached to it."

itz official

2006-12-16T00:55:00.000+08:00

16 Dec 2006, 00:00

campus run

2006-12-08T00:43:00.000+08:00

seems like the frequent, but slack, run has improved my stamina a little bit.

itz been quite some time since i last did a campus run. juz came back from one alone. was pretty surprised to do a 19:55min. din whack fully, but still quite shack.

maybe itz time to give my mental, and heart a torture. whahahaha

no decision is easy

2006-12-06T23:38:00.000+08:00

if a decision is easy, it should not even be considered as being a decision.

making a decision is never easy. it always involves making sacrifices, sometimes for other benefits, or not.

this year is coming to a close. is this year a good year? i think there are happy times, and there are some really bad times. for quite a few of my friends, this probably has been a very bad year. this is one year whereby many close friends around me had many unhappy encounters. some were less unhappy, while some are lot harsher. nonetheless, itz difficult for each of them.

this reminded me of the times during my second year in army. that was one year i was deeply overwhelmed by the shit my very close friends around me are facing. it was also one year where i realised there is just so much a person can do. while it might sound cruel, that is also one year i've learnt how to cut off my emotions appropriately.

if u cannot take care of urself, u cannot take care of others. no point getting overly affected with other people's problems that u cannot help. else, u can't even offer a simple listening ear.

anyway, i digressed. today, i've shared with a few friends on a decision i've made some time ago. it was a decision that i've put in some thoughts into. i am glad that they were understanding and respected my decision. well, they also lan lan anyway. hahaha....

but what i wanted to say is, it was also a decision that was not easy to me. i dunnoe if itz a good decision, or whether it adds on pressure to the next person. i juz considered the factors, and current situation, and i think it worth a try.

once a decision is made, i will follow it through with faith. no room for regrets later.

this post looks very meaningless and ambiguous now, but for those that are involved, it will probably be clear in the very near future. i juz felt that i needed to write something, to organise my thoughts, as i need some organisation now. sorry for meaningless read.

Japanese 1 exam later

2006-11-30T02:01:00.000+08:00

what grade would i get?

later, i will still not know.

1mth later, i will still not know too.

cos i forget to do my "Online Feedback Exercise".....

studying for exams is no longer stressful...

2006-11-26T18:25:00.000+08:00

when u are year 4.

why?

cos firstly, u dun have many modules. I have only 2 modules to study for exams this sem. it is only me so stupid go take jap, thatz why studying for exams a bit more siong. if i take some other crappy modules like last sem's living with maths, wa lan eh.... super relaxing man.

secondly, whatever ur results are, it doesn't affects you. i think very few ISE 4 will have their caps or honours affected if they get Bs or other grades. mine too. get both C still above 4.5, i think. never calculate before though... but kinda confident.

thirdly, you already feel quite sianz about studying liaoz. siao... study for 3 years liaoz... somemore every year is all gau gau one. okay lah... last sem 6 modules also very slack. but still.... itz all a matter of time to get burnt out. hey, i am a singaporean too.

fourthly, studying for exams doesn't seems to be the most important thing anymore. my FYP is gonna kick me in the ass harder than any of my other modules. comon, if i would rather get my 2 modules a C than seeing my FYP getting a B+. i dun really want people to remember me by "the person with the highest cap for a second upper degree". hahaha... that will be funny man.

anyway, this post is juz a breakaway from reading my japanese lecture notes. i felt asleep reading them juz now. typing a few words probably will be useful to make me wake up a bit.

and yah, recently i've gotten very interested with who exactly is reading my blog. i heard from a secured, and accurate source that, some ISE 2s are reading my blog.... wa lan eh... ur senior's blog very interesting meh?

and now i am hoping mr lin zhengchang will bet with shuyin again... hahaha

some updates

2006-11-23T23:47:00.000+08:00

actually nothing much has happened recently.

i've been rejected by Exxon Mobil, but am accepted into the second round of interview by Accenture. now waiting for them to call me and give me a date for my second interview.

i've finally finished my DA project, and now itz time to concentrate on exams... although today i've not done anything much. blardee hell... spend 2 hrs on a tea break at Engin Dilys....

30 nov is my jap paper, 2 dec is my DA paper... hmm... starting to have doubts whether i got enuff time to properly prepare them or not. this sem quite jiat lat, cannot concentrate.

and yah, zhengchang, shuyin told me u will do something if i've updated my blog. does it still hold now?

still no drive to work

2006-10-26T01:22:00.000+08:00

haven't been writing for quite some time.

nothing much happened to me anyway. preparing for ben's wedding performance, doing a little bit for my FYP, and slacking.

still lack the drive to work. went to vivo city on hari raya night. quite shiok. haven't been going out much. vivo city quite chio actually. watched death note already. not too bad i would say. am looking forward to catch sinking of japan too.

anyway, still lacking steam to work. my FYP not very tough... but that is not making me feeling good. haiiz... feels like slacking.

interview next wednesday

2006-10-11T10:51:00.000+08:00

juz received a call.

am going for a job interview on 18 Oct 2006.

let's see how i fare in my first, proper job interview. probably am going to fail badly though.

yah rite

2006-10-08T23:45:00.000+08:00

i cannot believe there are still dumbasses that believe this is true...

From: Sankhala, Suresh Singh
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 12:48 PM
Subject: UK Requirement

Dear Friends,

Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates is sharing his fortune. If you ignore this you will repent later. Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (if you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period.

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00, for every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives it, you will be paid $241.00. Within two week! s, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a cheque.

why are NUS students still believing this can happen? wa lan eh.... NUS ranked 19 in the world but the students inside are obviously not.

please, whoever that reads this post, please do not send me any Microsoft giving money crap. i am willing to give it all up. I will earn my own money, and not get them thru spamming others...

btw, the "two week! s" is copied directly from the email. not my typo. it's that Sankhala, Suresh Singh's typo.

drive is gone

2006-10-05T23:35:00.000+08:00

i am lacking drive in everything i do.

i am losing concentration in everything i do too.

fuck man....

阿雅再見《我猜》

2006-10-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

was taking a break after the 2 tests today. it was quite tiring to take 2 tests in a row... very sianz one. so after the DA test, i was pretty exhausted.

went youtube, and bumped into 阿雅再見《我猜》. quite farnie but quite touching oso.

so, now, itz time to go back to memorise my Japanese Lesson 7 vocab liaoz... vocab quiz tml

need to complain

2006-09-29T23:17:00.000+08:00

feels like dying studying Jap....

really, this is the biggest mistake i've made so far in NUS.

itz not difficult... itz just freaking tedious. memorise memorise and memorise.

i've confirmed. i have no flair in language. i have no flair in memory work either.

one week into PGP

2006-09-29T20:00:00.000+08:00

i am really surprised with what people search in google. i found the following referrals from my sitemeter:-

1) someone searched "7 principles of engineering" in google.
2) someone searched "Falcon Greylord" in google. is someone looking for me?
3) someone searched "Azur 4200 Iron" in yahoo. Azur 4200 is an iron manufactured by Philips Electronic Singapore. I dun think people call this iron as Azur 4200 in the market.

and what a surprised. Encik Sunny juz smsed me for Guoliang's contact. Of cos, i never reply him. Then, that bugger called me. Lucky my handphone can turn the ringing to silence. That idiot, want to call me also dun sms me first lah!! Fucker, smsed liaoz i have his number, then when he call, who will go and pick up. Siaoz... still dare to call himself encik... confirm trying to find someone to lend him money. he has been using his father as an excuse. say his father going to die... what a son.

anyway, i have moved in PGP for 1 week. quite shiok. i like the freedom, and the feeling of being in NUS when i wake up. Not that i like being in NUS, but since i have to come to school everyday, i really hate traveling for that 1+ hr. Waking up in NUS means, i dun need to travel. damn shiok.

but heng this week is the recess week... so i went out quite a few times, and heck my dreadful japanese language. shack siah... jap is really going to kill me.

think i better go study my jap liaoz. i wanted to start studying at around 7pm one... now itz 8pm liaoz...

fuck siah...

moving out

2006-09-24T20:07:00.000+08:00

from today onwards, i am moving out from home to NUS liaoz...

have got myself a room in PGP. obviously, thatz not my fav spot, since itz kinda far from engineering. wld love to stay in old KR, since itz just beside YIH. cheers, old changkee, subway, and all etc are juz beside. super convenient. plus the fact that daida they all are in old KR, that will make discussion for SDP much easier.

anyway, have not been touching my books at all for quite some time. i got a bit lerthargic after the concert, and din really feel like doing anything. on friday till today, din touch my studies at all too. after jap on fri, clean my room till 7:45pm, followed by meeting dq greg and ben. sat is another full day, but an enjoyable day though. sunday is super slack.

time to move into PGP. time to be focused. time to start mugging all over again. i want to be super good in my Jap, FYP and SDP. decision analysis is not important.

Post Concert Thoughts

2006-09-17T14:05:00.000+08:00

Finally, the performance is over... from now onwards, i wun be so stressed anymore.... whahahha... and can have more time for my FYP

FIVE, is a good name for this concert. 5 years, is really a very long period of time... I really find it very long.

I started planning Consonance in year 2001 december... and met up with the working group people and started planning in january year 2002. From then onwards, my life has been revolving around Consonance. In a blink of an eye, 5 years have passed. In between these 5 years, I've went through so much changes, seen so many things, encountered so many problems, and saw many of my closest friends plunged into the worst period of their life (wait, they had a bad time not because they joined Consonance... hahahahaha).

I've never missed a single project in the whole span of Consonance existence. However, there wasn't a single time i really felt that i was in peak form to perform.

In 2002 Synergy, due to certain personal problems with a close friend, I didn't really generate the mood to perform.

In 2002 Cadenza, the whole planning and fatigue, and going thru army, and finding out many things had also spoilt my mood in performing. Cadenza 2002 was another rushed performance. It was super difficult to coordinate everything well, especially when we need to cater to NYJC choir's timetable. Plus the fact that I was undergoing some very bad period of my life then. It was damn tough for me. And that basically burnt me out entirely.

In 2003 MDIS, it was the only performance for the whole of year 2003. Simple performance. Consonance went thru its darkest period then. The thought of disbanding was strongest then.

In 2004 Amadeus collaboration. It was a decent performance. Amadeus is a good choir. Practising with them had really improves my musical appreciation, and my singing. But, at the end of the day, i wasn't close to Amadeus. I couldn't really generate a sense of closeness with them. I din feel much before stepping up for performance. No anxiety, no nothing. It was juz another performance to me afterall. Plus the fact, my voice went very haywired during rehearsal, and it affected the whole of my performance on that night itself. While that might be a decent choral concert, the concert itself wasn't that special to me.

In 2005 Listenin'. Collaborated with Mayflower Secondary School. That time, the performance date kanna exactly on my reservist period. It was a miracle that i finally managed to get day off and join the concert. But, my voice totally gone. Training, and inhaling too much of cigarette smoke totally spoilt my voice. I went for rehearsal with a super hoarse voice. I simply whack through the whole performance, but forcing myself not to cough on stage, swallow packets of lozenges, and drank buckets of water. But the performance wasn't a fantastic one at the end of the day. Mayflower's not a very good choir, and their performance was generally not very well received. Consonance's performance wasn't tip top too, and i sang with a shitty throat.

In 2006 FIVE. My voice was quite on form for the night, first time after 5 whole years. hahahahah.... I was stressed and worried. I was anxious, and can't wait to perform. I had the feeling and emotions of singing a concert, which i lost ever since JC2. Among the 5 years, this is the most special concert for me.

I have to say, that this concert has been really a rush. A lot of things are churned out in the last min. In terms of singing, itz not very prepared either. Everything, and everyone, was jittery. It might not even be the best performance out of the whole 5 years. The planning, the real work, and everything, went haywired here and there. Yet, this is still the most special concert to me. Why? There are a lot of reasons.

I think, while there are quite a few songs we eventually never do justice, there are a few songs which i think we really made the mark. In certain aspects, I have really witness the growth in Consonance. While this might not be the best performance Consonance is capable of, I feel a great sense of accomplishments. There are so many things that i feel so proud of Consonance. I really feel that, Consonance is capable of doing something really good, as long as everyone is willing to put in the effort. The biggest regret, or difficulty is, the euphoria will only be injected near, during, and after a concert. During practices, things can be quite dulled. But if everyone can juz whack, and be committed, I feel Consonance can do so much more. In fact, I seriously feel that Consonance is no where poorer than good choirs like Amadeus, Victoria Chorale or Vocal Consort. It juz lack the drive.

There are certain things which i refrained from telling most people in choir, but i guess after concert, its time to make certain things public.

Why this concert was highly meaningful to me, is because the tot of leaving after the concert came to me before. The tot of this might juz be my last performance for some time, made me clinched on more tightly to this concert. The thought of leaving was not an impulsive thought. Like i say, 5 years has been very long. For 5 whole years, I have been in the comm. My drive, and passion to serve has really dwindled. Part of the reason why Consonance is lacking drive, is really because I myself being a leader is lacking the drive. I have felt that, my presence in Consonance is doing more harm than good for both the choir and myself. I need to move on, so is Consonance. If i continue to be in Consonance, certain things will always fall back on me again. In this way, neither me nor Consonance can move on. That's what i really feel.

Consonance is already a part of my life. It involves and taken my most youthful time. Tons of efforts and emotions has been pumped into this group. It has come to be as important as family is to me. To have a thought of leaving, and making certain decisions, is kinda gruelling for me.

I will not quit Consonance altogether. It is still too difficult for me to do so. At most, I will only be stepping out of it for some moments.

But no worries, I have not come to a final decision yet, on whether to leave Consonance or not. But I do know, I really intend to step down already. And, there is still this one project, that there is no way I will miss. That is, to sing for Benedict's marriage. Ben has given up a lot for Consonance. To sing for his marriage, is the least I can do to return him the favour.

Post concert thoughts, happy and sad at the same time. But, after so many years, the sense of lost after concert is finally back to me again.

That's why, FIVE is a special concert to me.

no worries

2006-09-01T22:38:00.000+08:00

don't worry. nothing is happening to me.

but i am fucking tight for time.... somehow i think i am juggling too many balls at one time. the FYP is a constant bother... having to come to terms of not reading journal papers, and have to piah 500+ pages of Automod's Getting started with Automod, and afterwhich i might have to piah another 1000+ pages of Automod's Main Manual. What's worse is, the Automod i am learning now is version 11.1, and i might have to use the newest version 12 to code my simulation model.

juz met up with the PSA project coordinator, and discussed rather thoroughly and detailedly how my model eventually should look like... fuck siah... going to be fucking complicated. probably much more complicated than the one i've coded for my simulation module project. that was bad enuff... and i have not much time to properly sit down and start designing. but really, i am quite excited to start coding. itz going to be quite intellectually challenging.

the SDP (system design project) is another shit. haven't started much on the project. will have to go to NUH tuesday again to look at the process more detailedly too. probably another automod model. heng this one is team project.

Japanese 1... itz shld be quite obvious. tremendous amount of things to memorise... and i am freaking lousy at memory work. freaking lousy. plus, i am not good with languages. this is taking me a lot a lot of time.

choir concert. more and more shit. hahaha...

tuition. haven't manage to find time to sit down and read my o lvl physics too. how?!?!

plus the fact, this sem quite low morale. cannot really concentrate. plus, i keep watching shows. Han Wu Da Di... 64 episodes in total. watched 19 episodes liaoz. still got 45 more to go....

a lot of my time are spent sleeping, watching Han Wu Da Di, leaving less time to work. gotta quickly finish up Han Wu Da Di, then i wun sleep late at night, so i can wake up early in the morning, and then i will have more time.

i tot i would have been able to take it better

2006-08-27T19:48:00.000+08:00

something happened at home. my brother told me certain things juz now in the afternoon, and for a while, i went totally blanked out. i was quite lost, dunnoe what should i do.

there are certain things that i've been preparing myself for quite some time. soon after i stepped into army, i started to think about a lot of things. there are certain things that i have always been telling myself to be mentally prepared for. after so many years, i've tot that i shld have been able to take certain things or news quite well, since i've always been mentally preparing myself for it one day. but obviously, today proved me wrong. i wasn't really ready for anything.

my reaction did not come immediately after hearing what my brother told me. it was when my brother left the room, then i reacted a little bit more. i m not really afraid to say this, but i almost cried. hahaha... tears was rolling in my eyes, but i managed to keep it back. but i had to go thru a few cycles of almost crying and cool down, and almost crying and cool down. the saddest thing is recalling a short scene that happened juz in the morning. i tot it was nothing, but never did i realise that it was an outcome of some mishaps. but obviously, i have to keep my calm at home... at least not to show anything.

but nothing much to worry about, at least as of now. i checked it out online and it was not really a big deal.

but this little event really shows that i am not ready yet.

Consonance 5th Year Anniversary Concert, Five

2006-08-23T01:13:00.000+08:00

Performance Date & Time: 16 September 2006, 7:30 PM
Venue: Victoria Concert Hall
Ticket Price: S$12, Free Seating
Ticket Enquiries: Email us at consonance2002@gmail.com

This is a 5^th anniversary concert for Consonance to celebrate her 5 years of continuous music-making. It also highlights her first solo performance apart from numerous collaborations with other choirs & performances for organizations. Five commemorates pieces that have been reflective of past achievements as well as showcase pieces that hint at future advancements. This concert plays around with the number 5, with pieces sang in 5 different languages, such as English, Latin, Hungarian, French, and African, as well as 5 different genres of music. Consonance hopes to bring the joy of music-making to the people around her and endeavors constantly to accomplish higher standards with each concert.

Title	Composer/Arranger
1) Fair Phyllis I Saw	John Farmer
2) Let the River Run	Carly Simon
3) Turot Eszik A Cigany	Kodaly Zoltan
4) I Know Where I’m Going	Geoffry Russell-Smith
5) Dravidian Dithryamb	Victor Paranjoti
6) Xiao He Tang Shui	Gooi Tah Choe
7) Shady Grove	Chen Yi
8) Duerme Negrito	Emile Sole
9) Kasar Mie La Gaji	Alberto Grau
10) Dieu! Qu’il La Fait Bon Regarder	Claude Debussy
11) Quant J’ai Ouy Le Tabourin	Claude Debussy
12) Dry Bones	Phyllis Tate
13) It Had To Be You	Steve Zegree
14) Seasons of Love	Roger Emerson
15) Locus Iste	Anton Bruckner
16) Non Nobis Domine	Rosephanye Powell
17) The Lord Bless You and Keep You	John Rutter

Call me if you are interested in seeing me perform!!

school starts and...

2006-08-15T22:49:00.000+08:00

i will be getting busy soon.

am taking Japanese 1 this sem. that module is 7 hrs per week... shack... but i think it should be an interesting module. had wanted to take language module in nus for a long long time. cos i really feel that it is a waste not to take language module in nus since it is free, and good.

my top choice would be to take french... but bidding is too fierce for that module liaoz. there is no way i will be able to get that... engine students always lost out in such cases. cos, we get only a pathetic 250 general account points... and french's bidding normally and easily goes up to 1000+...

and i got this Jap 1 for 1 point only... steady boh? hahaha... keoy tio sai at round 3A.

this sem's timetable is quite slack since i am only taking 2 module classes, but that doesn't necessarily makes my sem a easy sem.

japanese seems to need quite a portion of commitment. i have 13 Vocabulary quizzes, 7 Lecture quizzes, 9 Listening & Dictation quizzes, 1 midterm exam and 1 final exam. on and above, there are homework assignments. 2 workbooks, 2 textbooks, 1 course companions and 1 sets of lecture notes. 7 hours per week...

my lvl 5000 module, decision analysis should be slack though. some kum lan master students and part time students are taking. those working people.... dun think they can adapt back to studying anyway. plus, they wun have much time to put in the effort. but then again, i dun have much time to put in the effort anyway.

my FYP is going to start soon. have arranged to meet my prof on this thursday morning. then i will meet up with the PSA people and kick start my FYP liaoz. i think this FYP is going to be a fucking challenging one man. probably going to take up fucking lot of my time.... shack

my design project oso set to analyse NUH specialist out-patient clinic. i think this is not going to be too easy either... fuck siah. 2 shack projects at the same time.

and i also need to study my o lvl physics. haven't start much on it. this week itself haven't start. tml wun be able to start either, since i need to go for choir sectional tml nite. haiiz.... the more i think about the sectional, the more i am. kanna section leader, when i fucking have no idea how to conduct sectional. wa lan... sianz...

busy busy busy.... busy ah!!

what am i feeling now?

2006-08-09T23:18:00.000+08:00

i am feeling

1) FAT
2) FAT
3) STILL FAT
4) LAZY
5) LAZY
6) STILL LAZY

blardee hell... i've not touched on my physics o lvl stuffs for the whole of this week yet. i very much would like to revise them... but everytime i see that book there, i cannot bring myself to it. walan eh... sibei sianz and lazy man.

and i've not ran for 2+ weeks... going to 3 weeks. no wonder i am getting fatter and fatter. the best way to tone down my body again would be to re-enter army. but fuck! anyone with a mind would never do that. let alone, my mind is worth CAP of 4.87. hahahahaha~~~

school starting soon.... i shall go back to loner, mugger life for the first few weeks i guessed. cos i want to force myself to read my o lvl stuffs. otherwise, how am i supposed to help the students!?!?!? since i cannot do it at home, i shall do it in school.

i am having shitty feeling about the upcoming concert

2006-08-02T12:09:00.000+08:00

one and half month's more before the concert day arrives.

how prepared are we? fuck... we've not finish learning all our repertoire yet.

lousy attendance, lotsa things not done, lack of direction... lotsa deadlines to be met. it seems like we are doing things simply for the sake of completing them, thatz all. plus the meaningless things that propped out between people.

will we pull it thru again? juz like what we've been doing all the time? but, do we just want to pull it thru? for so many years, we've juz been pulling things thru.

again, times of uncertainty. i guess i have to make some decisions after the event.

end of my internship

2006-07-30T16:37:00.000+08:00

i m so glad it is finally here.

i no longer need to:

1) wake up freaking early in the morning
2) wake up freaking early in the morning, and keep thinking either i should keng one day MC
3) sleep on the smelly morning bus
4) do meaningless sai gang and make me feel like wasting my time
5) see that bastard tio chong heng who likes to threaten me, but in the end having to "lun" me with my fucking attitude shot back at him
6) taking much extended lunchbreak and refusing to go back office
7) keep looking at my computer screen and keep acting busy so that i can tio less sai gang
8) keep going to toilet so that i can siam more sai gang

however, with the end of my internship, i also cannot:

1) meet my fellow nus interns and enjoy a lot of jokes with them during lunch time
2) meet the smu friends that i've gotten to know
3) print anything and everything for free
4) "steal" highlighters, pencil lead and others
5) get my pathetic $800 monthly internship allowance

well, comparatively, seems like itz still a good deal to have my internship ends. my holidays finally started!!!!

but retrospectively, i have to say that most of my colleagues are pretty fine. they are quite nice people, and takes good care of me. somehow, i m treated like a baby (they couldn't believe i am 24.... they keep thinking i am 18-19 lidat. they were astonished when they realised i've finished army!! do i look so juvenile?). being treated like a baby means that, they treat me fine other than the constant sai gang.

at the end of it all, i've gotten 3 treats in all. on thursday, one single colleague treat me to the canteen cos she wun be joining the outing on friday. on friday noon, the section bought pizzas and treated me. in the night, the whole department, taking my departure as an excuse/opportunity for a departmental meeting. so, we went bowling at marina south, and had a gau gau dinner at long beach marina. the dinner is the best among all the 3 treats.... probably cost a few hundred bucks bah for a 16 person dinner. seafood... gau gau... probably one of my most gau dinner.

and, i've also gotten 2 gifts from the department and the people. 3 colleagues from my section bought another mp3 player for me. LE-MON mp3 player, 512mb. and, i've gotten an Azur 4200 (one of the many Philips Iron) from the department.

well... as a last day, i think i've got quite a pack of gifts.

all in all, thanks.

AWOL

2006-07-25T23:49:00.000+08:00

yesterday night, a fellow intern at philips smsed me, telling me that she wun be going for work tml. for no official reasons. we were talking about wanting to take MC every morning when we wake up. so, for her last week of internship, she decided to finally chu stunt (her first time). she works at a clinic, so she can get MC pretty easily.

although she probably dun meant so, but by smsing me, it is as good as jioing me to skip work as well lah!!!

so this morning, when i wake up, i took the liberty to give myself a day's leave. which is, as good as AWOL (absence without official leave).

i smsed my boss in the morning, saying i am not feeling well so would like to take a day off. she granted me, of course.

but come tml, i wun be able to give her an MC. cos i never go visit a doctor at all. i decided to fuck it, and play punk. i doubt they will ask one from me either. but let's juz see what happens tml. if they ask one from me, i am prepared to tell them i never visit the doctor (which is the truth), and my family dun practice visiting doctor when we are sick. cos my father knows chinese medicine, so he will always brew those bitter bitter medicine for us when we are sick (which is the truth again. i never say i took them this time, hahaha).

but today is a good day. i went to watch a movie "Thank you for smoking" myself at The Cathay. nothing much inside this new cineplex though. the show quite okay, as recommended by Ben. but there was one guy in the theatre being quite a nuisance. got thing no thing, he oso laugh. i was thinking wtf.... he really laugh for nothing. and keep laughing throughout the show, even when itz not funny, and not supposed to be funny.

also went to shop a little. bought myself 2 long sleeve shirts at Bugis. sibei expensive, but i like them. also "beoh" a pant and a blazer jacket from U2, but decided not to buy them today. already spent a bomb. wait till my pay comes out on Friday 28 then decide again.

now, itz late in the night at 11:56pm. i shall log off and go read my Harry Potter Book 6. i bought it on sunday at hougang mall. paperback. $19.90 before 20% discount. and guess what? fuck!! i saw hardcover copies selling at $9.95 at kinokunya today.

kanna sai.... blardee hell... why did i buy so early?!!?!?

got it from a friend

2006-07-20T21:48:00.000+08:00

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

i've got good news

2006-07-18T23:21:00.000+08:00

itz been some time since i last posted. not very long, but still a good 10 days.

anyway, i've got some good news again!! this time round, itz good news to myself only though.

i am ending my internship earlier. a good one whole week earlier. damn happy siah. although that also means i will be getting $200 less, but i get one whole good week of time for myself. i think i need a rest. the whole of this holiday has been quite busy.... and hey! what holiday? itz not a holiday at all.

i've been quite taxed in working. gotta get up early in the morning, and only to reach home at around 7pm after work. actually, working wouldn't be that bad if not because i am really doing mundane stuffs. moreover, prior to reservist, i had to put aside some of my already miserable little time for some physical training. after my reservist, i am still putting aside some time to do some training. would like to keep fit.

i've also started to give tuition. that took another half day away from my weekend. i needed some time to revise my material in o lvl too. they are quite foreign to me now, even though i was pretty good in them when i was 16. seemingly, i am more stupid at 24.

other than that, i also got quite a few choir stuffs to cope with. here and there, there are a few things to rush. rush is okay, but rush when i dun know how to do them is quite jiat lat.

on top of that, got FYP stuffs. well, although i am not paying a lot a lot of attention to it, but it still bothers me a bit here and there sometimes. but anyway, i've more or less made a decision already, even though i think that might not be exactly a good one. but fuck lah... think so much oso lidat. i'm not god. everything got itz good and bad points. i cannot predict the future, so juz fuck it.

here and there, there are other miscellaneous shit to attend to. thatz why i felt a bit deprived of time. i felt quite tired last week, but i still have to churn out the sponsorship letters. but i have to admit, i slacked a bit here and there. but i also have to say, i did my best in writing those letters. understand i have limited language capability. also understand that i dun normally draft such letters. i've to do some internet research and read other's guide.

but i guess i've got some rest on sunday and yesterday. sunday, i slacked whole day man. read comics, and sleep a lot. i wanted to read some of my seniors fyps, and also read some a maths stuffs. but in the end, i could not resist the temptation to a good rest. i think the only constructive stuffs i did is doing a final consolidation to the sponsorship letters and uploading them to yanhong bah. yesterday was a good day too, cos i've been allowed to leave earlier for my internship, and also catch up with my jc OG friends. itz been probably close to a year since i last meet them bah. at least half a year.

sometimes i wonder, why was i even that close to them in the first place. my jc og was quite a tight one. however, as time goes, the whole og left only the 4 of us still in close contact. thatz actually surprising, cos i am within the loop. judging from my character now, i am pretty "cold". i seldom go out, or ask past friends to meet up anymore. i probably was more "happening" last time. i guessed i've really changed a lot, after so many years.

anyway, long post already.

i am very happy i get to leave earlier for my internship!!! really very happy leh!! left only 1.5 weeks more to go!

Thank you, NAC

2006-07-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

Yes, a very big thanks to NAC, National Arts Council.

Why? I thank them for supporting Consonance's upcoming concert, FIVE!!! We, Consonance, have applied and been awarded a sponsorship from them!!!!! Yay!!

That was the happiest moment yesterday at work man!!! So now, we've more money to make a better concert for everyone in consonance. Itz a 5 year anniversary concert, and i think everyone would want something as a rememberance.

Oh, and let me show you what kinda of things i do for my VIP.

these are the amount of stuffs i've gotta scan. you think thatz a lot? think twice. i've been there for 8 weeks already. this is nothing, as compared to the total amount i've covered. when i say itz about my height, i am not really kidding. the first picture has a ruler in it for the sake of comparison. itz a 30cm long ruler.

but on a happier note, i've gotten myself a Creative Zen Nano mp3. 1 gb.

shiok. only for $121. got it cheap from a friend's friend's friend. that person is working in creative, and have staff discount. yay!!

on a even happier note, Consonance have NAC SPONSORSHIP!!!!

come on everyone, let's support the Arts!

throw spanner

2006-07-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

ask those who went thru army a question.

if u are a man, and are already 2 years into ur nsf, waiting to ord. then, ur oc throw you one spanner, and tells u to go for sergeant course because he thinks itz unfair for you, a going-to-be uni student to be juz a man.

how would you feel?

... ... ...

this analogy is juz like my internship experience. i am into my eighth week into my VIP, and 4 more weeks to go. for the whole of the 8 weeks, i've been doing some "wuu-eh bo-eh" stuffs, like scanning, printing, photocopying, shrinking A2 or A1 into A3 without proper machines, do presentation, clean stores, carry stuffs, fix printers, organise catologs, and the list goes on. it really goes on.

now, suddenly, they feel that it is unfair for a uni student to do all these! the HOD feels that, itz quite unfair and improper to ask a uni student to do all the etc stuffs. he would have felt okay if it was a poly student.

personally, i think whether is it uni or poly, both are unfair. we came in in the first place, taking a shitty pay, for some exchange in experience and knowledge. if doing shit is an experience, i think i've had enuff of them. more so than most people i believe, since i've already went thru army and been in the shittest rank.

but anyway, i've already come to terms with my predicament. i am already sianz liaoz. so i dun even mind to do all the crappy stuffs, cos i am now simply waiting for time to go. i will fuck off, once the bell strikes. i am tired, and itz very difficult for me to psyche myself up again. so now, they say they want to give me a project to do, i feel damn sianz.

like i say, you are already waiting to ord liaoz, do you still want to go for sergeant course?

... ... ...

moving on to a next topic, have anyone of u in 452 SAR gotten ur marksman monetary award? what the fuck are they doing by not giving it out to us??!? or at least, to me?!?

i need to pay for a new mp3 soon!!

2 weeks of slackness

2006-07-03T22:42:00.000+08:00

i've more or less slack for 2 weeks. i've not run for the whole of last week. and the week before, during my reservist, i only ran a 2.4 (for my ippt), and another 4km leisure run with my platoon mates the night after ippt.

tonight, i attempted to jog leisurely again. as much as i wanted to jog leisurely, the run got rather exhausting after a while. not that i whack hard. definitely not so. cos i really din want to whack at all. itz because my fitness is back to square -1.

2 weeks of slackness can make wonders man... of cos, i indulged in some "unhealthy" activities recently too.

blardee hell. train train train.

slack working day

2006-07-03T14:39:00.000+08:00

3 more hours before i end my work for the day

after my black face tactic last friday, i have a pretty (in fact, very slack) day today. so far, i've only scanned 1 page of document, and update one line of excel for some database. nothing else for me to do. last friday was pretty shitty. i find that the people here have started to take advantage of my presence, and take me for granted. i was told to do all kinda odd jobs for the whole day. one of the worst things is, i had to clear cupboards for them! fwark! i was really quite fed up then. i came here for an internship. although i knew that i will have to do odd jobs, i never really did expect that odd jobs take up 100% of my schedule. i think thatz a bit too much. i am willing to take a low pay of $800 a mth, cos there is supposed some tradeoffs. for a lower pay, i am supposed to learn something. i dun even mind the things i learn are not within what i study. in fact, i look forward to something new, outside my curriculum. and yeah, indeed, things like scanning are really out of my curriculum. i got what i "wanted".

i dun mind doing all the shit, but if so, give me the pay that i deserved. at least a $6-$6.50 per hour. if not, then give me something to learn.

Embarressed

2006-07-02T21:43:00.000+08:00

embarressed cos i cannot solve some o lvl crappy maths...

haha... who can still remember the shit about relative velocity? wa lan eh... got a student ask me questions on this topic then i go concussed for a while... this kinda stuffs there is no way i can derive anything out, cos i dun even remember a single shit. in the end gotta get a fellow tutor to come and solve the questions for her.

the stupid thing is, i can remember partial fraction (a lvl stuffs) but i cannot remember relative velocity (o lvl stuffs).

this made me really want to revise everything back so as not to siah suay myself again. and i wanted to do so this evening. but it seems again that, i cannot force myself to sit down and study again.

very sianz. how?

another friend of mine is soon leaving singapore too. less and less friends whom i can be truthful with.

megaupload

2006-06-27T22:55:00.000+08:00

megaupload is getting shitty. can't seems to be able to download from there anymore. so, my "Full House" episodes only managed to reach episode 6. sibei sianz....

and now, i have little time for myself. i have to work from monday to friday, and have choir on sat, then tuition on sun. sunday still got a bit of slack, but thatz about it. kaoz.

for monday to friday, i wakes up at 0600 and get myself ready to go to work. go macpherson to take the company bus and reach philips DAP at 0730-0735, and have breakfast with friends. then work. off at 1730, but reach home only at 1845-1850. the rest of the time are then my free time. minus away the eat dinner part and crap, my offical slack time is from 1930 to 2330. a pathetic 4 hours each day.

for sat, i normally wake up later. maybe 1000, or later. then, i leave my house and go for choir at 1400. sing sing sing until 1800. if i try to organise dinner outing, then i will probably reach home quite late. but the time i reach home varies.

for sun, i have to wake up at 0830, and leave house at around 0900. tuition at sixth avenue starts at 1000, and ends at 1300-1330. reach home at around 1400-1430, then lunch. so i finally get some slack from around 1500 onwards. by that time, i juz feel like resting and do nothing.

out of the total slack time, sometimes i have to pull out some to do some admin stuffs. now, i've started to create midis for my concert repertoire, and revise my pathetic o lvl maths to be a proper tutor, i'm left with less time.

what a vacation. no wonder i find my life is coming to a standstill.

fuck.

but one consolation is money is coming in. especially this month, i probably get $1.5k. not fantastic, but still quite neat.

time is money. there is an exchange rate attached to it.

lazy

2006-06-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

feeling damn lazy and lethargic.

wanted to go run and/or recap a bit on my 'o' level maths (yes, o lvl. cos i realised i am really quite rusty while i am giving tuition. itz really quite sickening having to try derive everything from scratch. time-consuming and it doesn't really reflect too well to the students either).

and you've guessed it. i did none. i din even feel like reading thru the FYP list.

then i tried to download new mp3s from feelroom.net, but somehow the connection is quite cranky. blardee hell.

been getting quite comtemplative these few days. my life has sort of coming down to a standstill. juz read many blogs and came across some stuffs. one of my friends is trying to mentally prepare herself for the final year. somehow, she thinks that the final year is going to be tough, maybe cos of the FYP and the competition on the road to the first class honours. another friend of mine is talking about some people in the uni, probably NUS, are thinking they are "high class" people. as for my personal opinion, i disagree with the former and agree with the latter.

for the former, somehow, i dun really think the next year will be going to be very tough. yah, i've got 2 shitty year long project, SDP (system design project) and FYP. and the FYP is going to be a crucial factor in my first class honours "dream". but there are very few modules left we need to clear bah. i myself have only 22MCs left for the whole year, thatz all. and i foresee a very slack timetable next sem, with very simple modules (although 1 will be lvl 4000, the other 5000). with my experience, high level modules are most often pretty crappy.

as for the latter, i've asked this same person during reservist that "do you think is there any use in studying so much? when in fact, being a grad is probably earning less than the rest who din study much?" the reason why i asked this was because i am still comtemplating whether to take up a master degree offered by SMA-NUS. part of me wants to go because i get to spend half a year in MIT (since i missed SEP, but this time i can afford it myself cos i get paid for studying). part of me dun want to take it cos i noe i would like to get practical experience in the corporate world.

studying is really quite stupid. in fact, the experience of going thru a uni curriculum is pretty meaningless. it is nothing, but an attempt in securing a certificate. but with that, we will be left half fucked in the world. at least, at the start. either half-fucked, or the stick is entirely in. hardly the case you are the fucker. the whole span in nus only results in meaningless experience of acquiring useless knowledge with no practicality. on top of that, you lose the experience of real work actions, and other shit of life. my academic results might have been exceptional, but i dun really know what i can do out there. luckily, i think and believe i am not an entire nerdy cock, so i probably can survive after some adjustments. but i seriously dun see how someone who can only solve a fucking complicated fourier transform equation or crap, can survive. probably ostracised.

so why did i want the first class honours in the beginning? put it plainly, i dun actually really want it that strongly. i mean, i admit i worked very hard for it in my first few years, much to the surprise of my many friends in jc. there are many factors why i participated in this stupid rat race.

one of them is army. army put quite a strain on my life then. in fact, i still consider part of my army life as my darkest period. there was one period i really feel quite shitty, and i tot i felt into some sort of a depression, a mild one probably. luckily, a long block leave in that dec, plus the support given by a certain friend, helped pull me out. there are many reasons why i am so attached to consonance and my jc choir, and this is one of them. i digressed, but during army time, there are many downs (with a few ups). thatz why i was really looking forward to ord and go back study. with that desire to study, i wanted to do properly academically.

second, i did quite marvellous in my A lvls, considering the amount of effort spent. doing it once, makes one wants to do it twice. then trice. vicious cycle.

third, my brother did it before. he got a first class in comp science. not wanting to lose him, and to sometimes keep his mouth shut, i wanted to better him and myself. in the end, i think i bettered him academically (and yah, only academically. i think he is still smarter than me, in some aspects). it was quite a pride thing. haha... but the pride thing doesn't stop at wanting to better my brother.

fourth, i wanted to know what i am worth. i've never put much effort in studying before nus. so i wanted to know, whether if i am really able to achieve a first class, if i put in my effort. i knew it wasn't going to be easy. i oso wanted to show, and confirm, i am quite clever.

and so, i've got a CAP of 4.87, and only one B+ so far. but what have i achieved? nothing, if you asked me. at the end of the day, i've not convinced myself as being exceptional. okay, there are people "wowing" when they hear my results. many pple are calling me "shen" in school instead of my name (not that they meant it entirely, but i dun think they dun mean it entirely either). but am i really good? no. i think i am above average only. many pple asked me whether i will go for Ph.D, and when i say no cos i cannot make it, they simply shake it off. dunnoe why. so far, only one person, over rounds of beer, understands and agrees with me. to quote, he said "i can understand what you are telling me now. but if you say that to any of the other ISE people, they wun believe you at all one." hahaha... i think he hits the nail on the head, man.

in nus, i've seen some really decent and smart people. CAP lower, but calibre higher. my definition of calibre covers many aspects. pure intellect, observation skills, speaking skills, PR techniques etc etc. comparatively, i think i am okay, not too poor. neither am i very good. like i said, slightly above average. i think i am worth a first class honours, but i am not worth a CAP of 4.87, whatever that might mean. i dun like rat race, and i dun like to compete until like that. i am a competitive person, but i've never in my life drove myself this much. last time in jc, i oso dun think i lose to xuhong or zhengqian, but i din bother to work hard to better them. cos deep inside me, i am a blardee slacker.

i think i've tested and proved myself enuff already. whether in the end i get the first class is no longer important. a slack last sem did good to me. i've gotten out of the rat race (i think).

actually, i dunnoe why i wrote so much crap above. the thoughts are very incoherent too. jump here and there one. but i am juz typing away. like i said, i feel my life is on a standstill right now, so i juz felt like writing some stuffs. some recent events re-sparked some thoughts in me.

i need new goals in life. new drive. but lazy to find them.

comtemplative moments. many thoughts. incoherent ones. hong gan.

the end of 1 week ICT

2006-06-24T22:59:00.000+08:00

it was a short 1 week stay back in the ATC. overall, is okay. glad to meet some siao gia back in the fucking shit place. the overall schedule was quite relaxing, and as always, doing some meaningless tasks such as Weapon Revision. what the fuck... how many fucking times had i striped the damn m203 already in my life? i can even strip it with my eyes close (literally, i think). and everytime i go back to ICT, i have to spend 1 day juz to sit there and "revise". quite cool.

am glad with an IPPT silver. relaxing run for 2.4km, completing in a timing of 10:56mins. not good, but okay lah given the condition and amounts of fats i have now.and finally, i get some sort of "benefits" for doing decent in IPPT - an early bookout. which i tot, probably isn't that early afterall. but still, itz good to leave the damn place earlier, even if it is juz by mins. (but i think i was out 1-2 hours earlier bah)

the 1 week stay was a good get-together. had much fun talking cock with people who actually possess tons of times more cocks than me. some late nights spent listening to their stories was well damn entertaining lah.

and i guess the biggest highlight of the ICT was the combat shooting. my section actually got marksman!! woohoo!!! and i tot i was a bobo shooter. okay lah, was never really a bobo, but nothing near being a marksman. last time got marksman once during service time, but it was achieved because i got more rounds than intended. but this time, no cheating. am glad i shot pretty decently for both day and night shoot. 37/40.

however, while getting marksman calls for a celebration (cos got $200 award), some shits really do spoilt them. one is robin. he is really a muthafucker bastard. his fucking mouth cannot stop yelling, and that cheebye tongue keeps wagging. as always, trys to shoot platoon 7 for tasks not for them, cos his cock cannot stand in front of his own platoon. of cos, the lack of sleep and stupid planning annoys me. ask us to wake up at 0445, but we spent a big part of our time idling away cos day shoot ends fast. it actually ends around 1400 or latest 1500. so we simply sit there idling till 1900. that 4 hours could have been used to allow us to wake up at 0630?

then it was the cocked up in their systems resulting my section's first shoot void. so gotta go reshoot. i could have gone back to the camp with the first half of the details at 1130. in the end, i reached camp at near 0200 in the morning. again, cos of cheebye robin's cock cannot stand again. itz a long story, but basically he probably got the amount of empty catridges needed wrong. then he still got the cheek to keep shouting. buay tahan.

then when i get back camp, there was some stunning sms that i recieved. haiiz... headache + lack of sleep. then when i finally book out, rushed down for consonance practice. saw the bad turnout => another hit.

anyway, enuff rants. getting a bit sianz.

Guess what?

2006-06-13T15:16:00.000+08:00

I AM GOING TO

FALL ASLEEP

SOON!!!

(Guess where am i now?)

amazed at what pple finds

2006-06-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

as i have a basic tracking system to track who visits my blogs, i have quite a startling (actually, not hat startling) discovery.

i am quite amazed at what pple tries to find from google, and technorati.

1. "wenlee" - wenlee is a friend of mine. she is my junior in ISE, and i actually cannot really recalled how i first get to know her liaoz. only can remember james and dan asked her out for supper together before and after exams before. anyway, either herself, or someone who likes her, or someone finding another person named wenlee too, was searching for sites containing her name. searched thru technorati, and my blog actually turns out to be the first link! siao one... when i simply blogs about her complaining to me about her VIP, thatz all. lidat become top link for "wenlee".... hahahahahaha. guess the person must be really disappointed!

2. "tan sze ying felicity" - wenlee is my junior, and this is my senior. probably another case of the same reasons stated above. but this time, it was google. link ranked number 12.

3. "cs1101c blogspot" - i wonder what the searcher wanna gets out of this. searched in google, and my link ranked 31th this time round. but i guess the person probably a bit sianz when he saw my grade for the module? okay lah... not that good. only an A, but that module quite shitty for a first-timer in programming.

4. "philips" - this one is actually a much more normal search, but only if it was on the right search engine. i find it weird that pple search "philips" on blogsearch. but, that tells me not to write anything bad about philips here either. hahaha... so..... hey! philips is a great company to work with!!! i am so damn glad to be an intern under it!!!!

thatz the few more significant ones for this time round. previously oso a lot of farnie searches, but i din bother to put them down in words for a blog post.

anyway, i've also discovered a lot of views are from this particular link http://www.geocities.com/jovenatheart/***********. itz my ah bu's long ago website or smthing bah.... wonder if she still updates i though...

when i first logged in, i wanted to complain i will be getting busier and busier. cos of all the consonance stuffs, my vip and going-to-start tuition on sunday. but, in the end, i end up writing rubbish. hahaha~~~

but i guess i need money. so, even precious weekend i oso have to go teach now.

found this while working...

2006-06-09T17:06:00.000+08:00

Love me, dear,and love my football too
By Siva Choy
June 05, 2006

WORLD Cup soccer puts even the strongest marriages to the ultimate test and those who survive it usually live happily ever after.

This is the season where, once every four years, the nicest and most docile husbands turn up late for work or fall asleep at the desk, squander their wages on hopeless bets and then squander some more to recover their losses, chain-smoke, guzzle beer, behave disgracefully in pubs and bore Americans to death, while their wives mentally wear black veils and become soccer widows.

RIGHT GIFT, WRONG REASONS

Take my soccer-kaki David. His wife had begged him to give her a new TV for the last three years. All he had given her were excuses.

Then last week he suddenly bought this huge plasma screen TV as a birthday gift for her. She nearly collapsed in surprise, because the only birthday gifts she had received from him the last seven years had been a non-stick frying pan, a steam iron, an electronic alarm clock, a cordless phone, a sandwich maker, a vacuum cleaner and a bigger non-stick pan.

(By coincidence, all these valuable gifts had helped her to make his breakfast more quickly, iron his clothes more neatly, wake him up for work more reliably, allowed her to talk to Mum on the cordless telephone in the bedroom so she wouldn't interrupt his TV, make his sambal sardine sandwiches during the FA cup, and clean up the crumbs on the carpet before cockroaches got to them.)

Then a poke-fire neighbour reminded her that the World Cup was about to begin. The same poke-fire neighbour reminded her that the last time David had bought a new TV was about eight years ago... just before the last World Cup.

'He told me he bought it so that I could enjoy Desperate Housewives,' the equally desperate wife said.

'Are you telling me that some men actually spend big money buying new TVs just to watch World Cup matches?'

'Please lah, Maria, have you forgotten?' the cynical Mrs Pokefire had said.

'When did Singapore television introduce colour TV? In time for the World Cup, right?

'Who do you think made that decision? Women? No dear - men!'

'No dear - boys!' David's wife said angrily.

'If he thinks he can call his friends over and expect me to make coffee and sandwiches, he can think again!'

David did think again.

'Okay. I'll just go over to Eng's,' he said.'His wife just provides curry puffs from the hawker centre and they are not as delicious as your sambal sandwiches and are probably bad for my heart. She also joins us to watch, not like you, though she is not clever like you and she makes stupid comments like which player is handsome and who is not, but what to do...'

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN, BUT...

David's wife's heart melted and she said she preferred that he watched the Cup at home, and did his friends really like her sambal sandwiches and yes, Eng wife's was a bit seow, and thanks for the TV because it is so clear I can even see the housewives' pimples, and can I get you coffee or Black Label?

So guess where I'll be when the first ball rolls?

Except I don't feel comfortable about imposing myself on David's poor wife. Maybe I will talk to the other guys and we can all pool together and get her a token of appreciation or something like that.

Not all soccer fanatics are hooligans - deep down, my bunch are quite sensitive and New Age (They wouldn't be my friends if they weren't).

We shouldn't offer flowers or chocolate (she's somebody else's wife for heaven's sake!). Certainly not a Brazilian soccer jersey or a tea-towel with Ronaldinho's stone-age face on it.

Maybe we'll get some nice beer mugs, a cocktail mixer or one of those crystal dishes for serving peanuts and snacks during the game...

In Philips now

2006-06-08T11:08:00.000+08:00

am blogging while i m in office right now. 've finished most of my stuffs right now, nothing much more to do except to print out the corporate gift catalog for my supervisor to see. and i realised one weird thing in my office.... there seems to be a lot of static around!!! i've been shocked numerous times... at least around 5 times... by static electricity!!! dunnoe if it is because the environment is pretty cold. my fingers always freeze while in office. getting more and more sianz with my work here right now. i've been scanning a lot of things... and thatz pretty all i've been doing for this 1-2 weeks. in my short stay in the department, i think i've scanned around 3k pages of stuffs, conservatively. perhaps the only slightly more interesting thing i've done.... and it is only in the slightest bit more, was to set up some macros in excel to help my colleague to automate some routine operations. those tedious and repetitive operations. at first, my colleague asked if i can do up some programming for her to save her all the hassle. it wasn't really a task for me, but she was juz hoping that i might know some programming then maybe can help her whip up some simple coding. but sadly, i dunnoe how to write visual basic, which i think is the language for excel. even if it is not visual basic, it probably is visual c++ or c#. none of which i've touched. but i guess i found an easier alternative for her. i taught her how to set up some macros, which can achieve the same target, and without me going thru the hassle of picking up a new programming language which will take some times. furthermore, she can then create macros herself next time for other stuffs after my VIP ends. give her code, she also cannot reuse them. so that the only “interesting” thing that I’ve done for this week. the duration lasted only for around 1hr. the only thing that I’ve needed to use some brain and explore some useful excel functions to go along with the macros…

bored bored bored bored bored!!!!

anyway, think I should go now… wait later I kanna discovered that I am blogging during office hours. I’ve set up a decent image for myself in office so far. a quiet, hardworking, obedient and fast worker. hahahahah…. pretty useful. got one auntie very nice to me, always make coffee for me. but in return, I’ve also cleared a lot of routine stuffs for her. and I really mean a lot.

anyway, I think this decent image wun last. i’ve started playing punk liaoz. i go for extended lunch break of 1 hr, when I should only be missing for 30 mins. i walk off from canteen to office in the morning at 0815, when i am supposed to be seated at 0800. but so far, i’ve not left office earlier yet. maybe can start to do so liaoz….

back to sianz work…

Symptom of getting sianz

2006-06-06T23:32:00.000+08:00

Today, I've shown signs of getting sianz from VIP liaoz.

I overslept.

when i woke up in the morning... i got stunned. when i opened my eyes, i saw my surrounding..... bright!!! after that, i immediately become WIDE awake. i took out my handphone, and saw the time.

6.55am.

okay... then the first thought in my mind, no way i can get the company bus in any areas liaoz. so, my 'gan-jiong-ness' at first quickly subsided. i 've already accepted my fate of taking cab to work today. with that realization, i decided to heck care liaoz, and slowly brush up. for fuck rush when i am going to take cab?

and the taxi fare cost me $16.30. i drew money yesterday. $90, and i tot that $90 could probably last me quite some time. cos i've not been going out, and i only need to settle my lunch and dinner thatz all. now, it probably wun last me as long as i tot it would be.

sibei sianz one. such tragedy hits me when i am at one of my poorest stages. why why why why why?

okay, i am tired liaoz. dun want to write anymore. i've not been sleeping early when i need to wake up early. yesterday mop floor for 1+hr, today went to ran. hopefully i wun overslept again tml. otherwise, i am pretty sure, that $90 can barely survive through this week.

friday

2006-06-02T23:16:00.000+08:00

ever since i started my VIP, i've been looking forward to friday every weekday for every week. hahah... cos i dun need to wake up at 0550 the next morning. and i have more time for myself, whether or not i use them wisely. i love to stone anyway... looking blank and reflecting. hahaha

anyway, had a great lunch with the nus peepz over at philips today. sibei talk cock. made a fool of ourselves while joking over a woman over in the QA department. actually, i dun really know the lady. my only remote encounter with her is my 2 hrs stay in the QA lab to scan 30+ pages of stuffs. we din even exchange a single conversation. but my overall impression of her is, she is sibei kao bei. and for some reasons, i pitied the 2 IA students under her. ke lian.... but my judgement seemingly is accurate, as both xiaoling and jasmine confirmed my intuition. she is indeed not a very warm person. she can even be stingy enuff to not let outsiders to use a piece of tissue.

"you never bring your own tissue meh?"

with that experience, jasmine decided she will never enter QA lab without having a packet of tissues with her.

today oso got stunned by a girl that took the same company bus as me. hahaha!! come to think of it, oso quite weird. she is from smu, and i knew it before she told me. cos there is another girl, sinye, in my department from smu. sinye told me there is another smu intern that takes the same company bus. so there was one time i saw the two of them having lunch together, and so i confirmed. and while i was still attached to the plastic factory (a week of pure slackness), this girl always enter the office. to fetch water, cos the pantry is in my office. with so many coincidences, i took quite a bit of notice of her, plus the fact that she looks decent too.

so, how did she stun me? while i've taken some notices of her, she dunnoe me and probably wun notice me much except probably for the fact that we takes the same company bus in and out of philips. but this morning, after alighting the bus, she suddenly came up to me, out of the blue and asked,

"Are you also an intern student?"

tio snooked. okay... maybe its really nothing, but i dun often get questions from strangers after alighting a bus. somemore from a decent looking girl. i will only get these kinda stuffs when the question is "Would you like to donate?"

anyway, itz good to know more people. lidat when i am going home, i wun be so bored too. at least got people to chat. the company bus ride home from jalan ahmad ibrahim isn't that short a duration. oso, getting to know more chio bu definitely helps to ease the torture of waking up so early in the morning to just do mundane office work. whahahahaha.....

but on a more serious note, my life circle is really quite small. good to widen the circle a little bit more.

VIP

2006-05-29T21:34:00.000+08:00

wenlee was complaining to me how bad her VIP experience was so far. haha... can really sense her pek-chek-ness, her supervisor quite cocked up. seemingly keep throwing her works and expecting her to finish in unreasonable time. somemore, things are not in her supposedly jobscope. ke lian... she OT a lot of times liaoz. and UPS seemingly doesn't pay OT.

comparatively, i think i am having a much better life than she is bah. i have some friends in Philips, although they are not working together in the same department as i do. but, breakfast and lunchtime company is good. and although i am doing a lot of miscellaneous work, i do seem certain benefits. i also learnt a few things on my own, through my own observations etc, although certain things are not deemed "useful" because they are not related to my work. but overall, i think understanding how certain operations go about etc, is good. i dun really intend to learn more about DOE, operation research etc in my work. neither do i really expect to apply what i've learnt in nus on VIP work. but i do appreciate looking and seeing how certain things operates in a real world. the procedures, the interaction, the taichi... hahah... quite fun actually.

and the people in philips are overall quite nice. my supervisor oso quite nice. sibei talk cock, and quite friendly and helpful towards an IA student like me. although, i oso get to do a lot of meaningless work, like presentation slides, flowcharts, ms words, excel, scanning etc... but okay lah. i've picked up a few things along here and there too. some new functions, some better ways and methodology with the programs. all these are tangible benefits. and anyway, someone gotta do all these work too. even if i am not the one doing, someone else gotta to. and these are part and parcel of their jobscope too. just that i am around, i can help to do some of their mundane work which requires very little or no brain processing.

another good thing is, if ever i get OT, i can claim. philips gives OT pay... whahahahaha

Superstar

2006-05-29T20:59:00.000+08:00

It's so obvious that some groups are so far behind than some others.... i guessed it will still take a few more weeks before the crappy ones are eliminated.

anyway, i simply love a line from the anime i've been catching on.

when someone says again, "You think i dunnoe meh? I juz want to test you all mah...", you should reply, "So, i've passed?"

This sem's results...

2006-05-26T23:49:00.000+08:00

It is that time of the year again... result released!!!

this year is special. i see my result during VIP in philips. oso quite anticipating this sem's results.... see how did i fare even though i've slack quite a bit last sem.

the conclusion is? i still did decently. not my best sem, which is of cos. in terms of SAP, it is not my poorest sem either. but then, looking at the grade, it seems less appealing than my poorest sem though.

my poorest sem so far is 2A+, 2A, 1A- and 1B+. 2 of the A+/A are 3MCs module. so SAP is 4.727272727272727272....

this sem, my SAP is 4.739130435..... Letter grades are 3A, and 3A-.

so, comparatively, the letter grade seems to pale when compared to the letter grade of my worst sem. this sem's A- is also matching the number of A- i've had for the 1st 5 sems. hahaha.... one shot double the amount.

2 of the A-s this sem is a little bit surprising. Din expect to get both OR II and QE II A-s.... i tot at least one of them should be an A. think my test too sucky. project oso anyhow do. exam paper too easy to have any advantage either.

the 3rd A- is finance, which is pretty expected of it. my midterm was average only, and exams got some cocked up. so when i come out, i know i will get A- liaoz.

the only surprise this sem is HR. got A. think i'm not too bad in doing arty-farty shit too. hahahahaha....

all in all, i think i've done decent for last sem. not excellent. can be much better, considering the ease of modules last sem. other than HR which i wun say for sure, all the other modules can be easily gotten A/A+ if given proper attention. cos they are really quite easy.

in conclusion, very happy with my HR results, decently pleased with the overall outcome, but a bit disappointed in getting A-s for my 2 core. but then again, it is not important. i've already achieve something that many people might not be able to achieve, and i am pleased with who i am, and comfortable with myself, knowing fully well that i am not too stupid, but not that clever either.

academic outcome is often a poor judgement of a person's worth. in statistical terms, the correlation coefficient is pretty low.

VCH is damn costly man...

2006-05-22T20:53:00.000+08:00

wa lan eh.... VCH is costing us $3200 for deposit. kanna sai... all because it is first time booked under the name of Consonance. sibei shack.... need to find some ways to get some money, else cannot book VCH.

anyone got any good lobangs for sponsorships???

2006-05-21T23:36:00.000+08:00

another thing... i am having problems downloading stuffs from filefactory and megaupload.

blardee hell. how come i din have so much problem using my laptop before my harddisk crashed. i din have these much problems when using the desktop either. now, so many problems downloading. many files died halfway, or more than halfway. kanna sai.... wasted so much bandwidth and time.